What You Wanted
by jstar1382
Summary: "What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be… *2016 Summer Ficathon*
1. Aftermath

**_._**

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _I'll find the places where you hide  
I'll be the dawn on your worst night  
The only thing left in your life  
Yeah I would kill for you, that's right_

 _If that's what you wanted…_

 _I'll put your poison in my veins  
They say the best love is insane  
I'll light your fire till my last day  
I'll let your fields burn around me…_

 _Oh, my love is true  
Tell me, something I wouldn't do…_

 _ **One Republic – What You Wanted**_

* * *

 _ **Chapter One**_

It always started as a dull pain, enough of an uncomfortable feeling that her mind awoke, her consciousness returning. It remained that way as the hazy memories started to flash one by one behind her eyelids, lifting the fog slowly, sharpening the pictures in her mind.

That was always when the low thrum flared to life, replaced with side splitting agony in her chest. The feeling was as if her body was ripped to shreds yet patched together with nothing more than a butterfly kiss and a Band-Aid, much like her mother used to do when she was young. _This_ pain was the worst.

Or so she had first thought.

Until she started to see his face flashing through her mind, the shear tortured expression with tears blurring his eyes and painting his cheeks. _That_ was when it always became too much to bear.

Kate Beckett would take all the physical pain in the world if she'd never have to witness his look of desolation again. No amount of pain killers could ever erase that image, now tattooed on her subconscious, dancing around every time the sweet relief of the morphine allowed her a reprieve from slumber.

" _I love you, Kate."_

The words echoed in the chaos of her psyche, a million thoughts racing through, yet those four words were the loudest.

Always the loudest.

Every time she woke, it was a constant nagging in her thoughts, continually pushing to the forefront.

Like she could ever forget.

* * *

The second hand of the clock ticked by, methodical in nature, yet mocking in tone. This was hell. Not the agony that accompanied any flesh wound, but instead it was the kind that ate away at a person from the inside. Anxiety danced its way through his thoughts and preyed on every last hope and dream he ever had for the future.

A future with her.

He had no right to think that way about her, to hope for a future with her. She wasn't his, never had been and never would be if the cruel hands of fate had their say.

Wow, even his thoughts were being melodramatic.

Every ounce of optimism that usually dwelled in his subconscious was ripped away when the bullet tore through her chest. Any cheerful thought he ever had dissipated when he saw the life drain from her body in the ambulance. He wouldn't survive if she never made it out of the hospital alive. While his life would continue, he would only be left a shell of his former self.

Whether she knew it or not, their futures were intertwined.

He was her partner and friend, but if that was all they were, he'd eventually move on. He'd live to tell more stories and publish more books. The problem lied in the fact that Richard Castle was in love – in love with someone that wasn't free to love him back. He hid those feelings, tried to just be the constant support she needed, while inside, he dreamed of the day he could tell her how he really felt.

Kate bleeding out from a gunshot wound in the crisp cut grass as the sun shone down on them was not his vision of the perfect time. Anything would be better, but he hadn't been able to stop the words from freeing themselves in that moment. He couldn't watch her die and not tell her how he really felt.

Maybe it would give her something to hold on to.

* * *

"Castle?"

The scratch that she felt in her throat was ever present in the call of his name. She knew before she even opened her eyes that he wasn't in the room, but she had foolishly hoped.

A thin stream of light broke through the shadows of her hospital room, as the heavy brush of the door opened and shut. Her on-call nurse, whose name she couldn't remember, drifted toward her bed, checking the bags and machines and jotting in her chart.

"Ms. Beckett, you should get some more rest. It will help your body heal."

Kate tried to shake her head, but that motion alone brought tears to the surface, quickly reminding her of how little fight she had left in her body. She was never one for words, preferred action to explanation, but her body was broken. The trauma of the gunshot left her in pieces- ugly, damaged shards.

"Castle?" she asked again, sounding stronger before a cough ripped its way through her lungs. The nurse handed her a small Styrofoam cup of water and the scratch in her throat eased with the cool slide of the liquid. Her chest, however, nothing could help that agony. Morphine was the only thing that touched it, but it left her limbs heavy and rarely allowed her to be awake. The enticing drug, also messed with her mind, playing on her weak state to toy with her emotions, always waking with only one thought in her head. "Is Richard Castle here again?"

"He is. Every day during visiting hours. Do you want me to send him away?"

"No. I should see him. I can't avoid him anymore."

Her nurse nodded on her way out the door causing her stomach to clench. He was still here.

' _I love you, Kate.'_

She squeezed her eyes closed; holding in the tears that seemed to develop anytime she thought about what he said. All memories of that day closely knit together and even the pleasant words were clouded with a shade of gray. Dark and light. Life and death...

"Kate?"

Her name shook her from her daydream, but the disappointing realization caused her heart to drop from her chest. It was the wrong voice hanging in the air, breaking the silence.

" _Josh_. Hi."

* * *

He was finally able to see her.

After endless days of sitting in the uncomfortable, sticky faux leather chair, Kate's nurse greeted him with a hopeful smile for a change. For the first time in what felt like forever, the bubbly woman told him that she was up for visitors and requested him.

Castle jumped from the seat before she could tell him again or change her mind. No. It had been way too long since he had laid eyes on his partner, his friend, his lov- nothing could stop him from seeing her.

Swallowing down the thought, he internally scolded himself and picked up the flower vase from the floor next to his chair. Kate was in the hospital, it wasn't time to bring up anything that could cause her stress. Not when he finally had the opportunity to be at her side again.

He wouldn't ruin it today by pushing her into anything uncomfortable. They lived in the land of subtext, champion at avoiding discussing anything of real substance at all cost. He wouldn't upset that delicate balance while she was lying in a hospital bed recovering from a gunshot.

"Mr. Castle? Are you alright?" His eyes flashed open and he felt his cheeks warm. It was so easy to get lost in his thoughts right now, but he couldn't waste anymore time in his head.

"Yes. I'm sorry. Need just a minute." He gave the nurse a soft smile, standing outside of the hospital room.

"Okay, well she's right in there when you're ready."

With a quick nod, she walked back toward the nurses' station, leaving him frozen next to the doorway. Kate was alive. Her heart was beating; the sniper hadn't taken that away from them. Whether she loved him or not in return, all that mattered in this moment was the fact that she had made it through.

His partner was still breathing.

A slow drag of air filled his lungs as he swung the door open.

The scene before him took him by surprise, not that it should. Josh was her boyfriend; he had every right to visit her. More of a right than he had…

"Castle? Hi!" The upbeat tone in her voice was a jarring but it matched the way her face lit up upon seeing him standing in the doorway. The bright smile that pulled at her cheeks shouldn't be allowed, not with Josh hovering at her bedside. It shouldn't be allowed, but the sight of Kate left his heart fluttering wild.

"I was just leaving," Josh said, voice low. "I'll see you." He gave her a small squeeze on her right ankle, and quickly slipped past Castle without another word.

He'd be lying if he didn't think that was an odd way for the doctor to leave. He just couldn't bring himself to care because now he didn't need to pretend that it wasn't eating him alive that Josh was still in her life.

' _I love you, Kate.'_

"He didn't need to leave on my behalf," he added, a nervous chuckle accompanying his words. He needed to calm down. This was Beckett.

"No. It's fine. He just stopped down between his rounds. I asked to see you."

"Really?"

His heart nearly split in two. She wanted him here with her. After all this time, he had started to worry that she was going to retreat. Close herself off to everyone that cared about her. They had become so close and there was no way that he could go back to the way it was; keeping each other at arm's length.

"Mhmm, a little birdie told me that you've been in the waiting area every day." A shy smile played on her lips, almost astonished that he would wait for her.

"Yeah, well –"

"Didn't know what to do with yourself while I'm out of commission, did you?" she teased, the playful tone in her voice was forced and her eyes didn't hold the sparkle they typically would when she messed with him. It was obviously she was trying hard to keep things light, but in the stale air of the hospital room, it was nearly impossible to do. He could tell she was hurting.

"Beckett, I missed you," he said, but regretted his frankness the second the words passed his lips.

Her eyes grew wide, seemingly shocked by the statement. He was already messing up, already being awkward and he hadn't been in the room for more than five minutes. Change the subject, he needed to change -

"So, did Josh tell you how he defended your honor to me in the hall?" He gave a self deprecating chuckle with the question, but she didn't join in on the joke.

"He did what?"

Damn. What was wrong with him today? It was like him to make jokes at the most inopportune times; it was embedded in his DNA. However, while she was laying in bed, fighting for her life, it wasn't the best time. He needed filter himself a little more. Maybe he should just let her lead the conversation; it was probably safer that way.

"It's not – it's not important. Forget I said anything." He offered her a timid smile, drifting closer to her side, the magnetic pull of her body was too much to bear. "I bought these for you." The flowers brought a smile back to her face, a gorgeous thing that he couldn't help but stare at as he placed the vase next to the other arrangement on the window sill.

"You're staring. I must look pretty awful." Kate mumbled her words as embarrassment colored the pale shade of her cheeks and her eyes dropped to her lap. She seemed ashamed to look at him.

"Kate?" Her first name on his lips brought her gaze back to him and he shook his head. "No. _Never_. I just – I never thought I'd see you again."

"I remember you trying to save me…"

Castle nodded, sitting down on the corner of her bed. He wanted nothing more than to touch her, wrap her in his arms to prove that she was really okay, but he couldn't... He clenched his fists, gluing them to his hip to prevent his hands from betraying the careful line they had in place for their partnership.

"I would do anything to try –"

"Castle, no." She shook her head in protest, covering his hand with hers, awaking each and every cell from her touch. "You can't do that. Not for me. Not when you have a family. You can't risk your life for me."

Her eyes grew and he could tell she wanted to fight. They never spoke like this, so open, so honest. He could see further objection etched in Beckett's expression, but he didn't come here to fight with her, not when she had been through so much already. She must have not remembered, it was the only explanation.

He couldn't avoid it.

"Beckett, I don't regret it. When it comes to people I lov-"

He had promised himself he wouldn't bring up his feelings here, it wasn't the time or the place, but she wasn't giving him much of a choice. If she couldn't understand why he would try everything to save her, then he needed to tell her. He could never apologize for trying to save her. He would never just stand on the sidelines, not when there was a chance that he could help.

"Castle," she sighed, squeezing his fingers. The weak hold confirmed how fragile she was in this bed. "I know what you said."

His heart stopped. Everything around him moved in slow motion for what felt like forever. She had heard him. She _knew_. Blood rushed to his ears when he blinked out of the petrified state.

"You remember?" Castle asked, his voice barely a whisper, looking up at her in shock.

"When a life changing moment occurs, you remember every last detail."

* * *

Kate had thought that admitting that she knew about what happened during her shooting would help things. He was about to admit it to her again anyway, but it didn't help. The tension grew and she regretted ever saying anything.

He recoiled against her touch, moving his hand from hers. It didn't make any sense. Didn't he mean it? Or was it only words spoken aloud in the state of panic when she was bleeding out that day?

' _I love you, Kate.'_

She couldn't believe that he didn't mean it. Those words saved her. He couldn't take them back now.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."

"Castle…"

"It was out of line. I mean – you have Josh. I shouldn't have said –"

Damn. She never mentioned it to him after they'd returned from Los Angeles.

"We broke up."

It wasn't the most eloquent ways of saying it and by the look on Castle's face, he hadn't expected her to say in the least.

"You broke –"

"Before the funeral, when he got back in town after we went to LA." Understanding shone in his eyes, the trip to solve Royce's murder had brought them closer, almost prematurely crossing boundaries.

"Since LA?"

She tried to take a deep breath, but winced at the way her chest stretched from the action. Swallowing down the tortured feeling, she continued to explain. He deserved more than she had to offer right now. "It wasn't right to string him along. Not when my heart wasn't in it."

"Kate?" Her name held too much hope off of his tongue. This conversation was be dangerous, too much hope could shatter her, shatter them.

"Castle, please don't say my name like that. Just because Josh and I - it doesn't change anything," she murmured, closing her eyes as she eased her head back onto the stiff hospital pillow.

"Like hell it doesn't. It changes everything." His voice was too soft, too warm. It eased in her veins, flowing through her and making her feel whole in ways she couldn't allow. She would ruin him.

"It can't, Rick." Uttering his first name stole his attention, but it didn't seem to deter him. He moved closer to her side and carefully placed her hand, bruised from the IV, into his, drawing gentle patterns on top of the abused skin with his thumb. The action held a level of intimacy that stole her breath, her voice cracking on her words. "I'm too broken."

"Kate, you're perfect. What may be broken to you is beautiful to me…"

Her heart fluttered from his honest statement. Castle was trying, she could tell, but it was overwhelming after she had tried to pretend he hadn't felt that way for so long. She was undeserving of it all. Under the heat of his stare, she was even more aware of every bruise, every scar. It was almost too much to handle.

Kate closed her eyes, trying to concentrate the best she could. "Castle, I'm not at a place where I can do this. Not now. I need to heal. I need time."

She knew she was going to break his heart. He should devote his time to someone better, someone more than what she could be right now, more than she could offer him. Every nerve ending was on fire and she was painfully aware that she was due for her pain medicine. This was the fractured mess she had become.

"Then let me be your friend, your partner. Let me help you."

With the soothing tone of his words, he held such conviction, like he believed he could really help her. He didn't know what a mess she really was. She wished she were at a place where she could agree to it, but she shook her head.

"No, Castle. I can't - I'm going to go to my Dad's cabin for a couple months. I need to be away from the city."

"You don't need to hide from me Kate. You shouldn't be alone-"

"Castle."

"If you need a break from the city, why don't you go to my Hamptons house?"

Her battered heart stumbled from his words. He didn't know what he was asking, his tentative smile, held an innocence about it. This was the man that believed in happy endings and fairy tales, of course he thought he could be her knight in shining armor. It was the selfless side of him that she never would've believed existed at the start of their partnership.

"You're actually asking me to come to the Hamptons with you?" she asked, disbelieving.

"No funny stuff," he said, looking down at their linked hands. "Just a good place to relax. Let me do this for you, please."

"I don't- I don't know. That doesn't sound like a good idea."

She should pull her hand away. This contact, this was more than what was acceptable for them. Before today, they usually avoided contact unless it was in a high stress situation. While she thought this was pretty stressful, she knew he was holding her for an entirely different reason.

That's what worried her.

Having Josh in her life kept Castle at a safe distance. Now that was gone, it terrified her how close he could get. How much he could see…

"It's secluded enough, but still has the amenities to keep you comfortable."

Kate shook her head. "This is me at my worst," she whispered.

"It doesn't matter. Partners, Beckett… I'm not asking for anything more than that."

Meeting his eyes, she sighed in defeat. She could tell how determined he was, how much he believed he could help. Little did he know what a bad idea this truly was.

"You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?" Kate asked, a quiet defeated laugh accompanying her question.

"Probably not," he said, his eyebrows dancing in response.

The childlike joy in his eyes made her feel lighter, like maybe he could help her with this. He had always made her feel safe. What if this was just what she needed? She sighed, her heart hammering from her decision, hoping she wouldn't live to regret it.

"Okay, but you need to promise me."

"Anything," he answered far too quickly.

"If it's too much, I'm going to my dad's cabin. No questions asked…"

"Scouts honor," Castle grinned, holding up a couple fingers in some mock hand signal. He made her laugh. In the bleak light of her hospital room, he brought her hope.

"You were never a scout, were you..." She eyed him, biting down on the chapped skin of her bottom lip to hold back her smirk.

"Even in the hospital, you're trying to ruin me with your logic."

"At least I'm consistent."

Her eyes flashed up at his, trying to hide even a hint of uncertainty, while internally every last fear was screaming at her. Why couldn't she say no to him?

"You won't regret this."

With a sad smile, she closed her eyes knowing that she already did. This would ruin the tentative balance from partners to more before they even had a chance.

If only she could be enough for him.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks so much for reading! Can't wait to hear from you guys._

 _This idea came about through my season 4 rewatch which is one of my fave seasons._

 _Hope you guys enjoy the journey._

 _xoxo_

 _Thanks to Alex for the beta and to Nadia for the beautiful cover art._


	2. Baby Steps

_A/N: Thank you._

 _Disclaimer: I have no rights._

* * *

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _ **Chapter Two**_

One foot in front of the other.

Take it day by day.

All the clichéd mantras that the visitors and medical staff were spouting off terrorized her thoughts as she lay in her bed staring up at the ceiling. They were empty platitudes, nothing but meaningless words repeated by people to make themselves feel better.

Really, what they wanted to say was, _'better you than me.'_

Kate closed her eyes, willing the tears to stay trapped within the barriers of her lashes. She wouldn't allow herself to cry anymore today. The sobs that wracked through her chest this morning had left her eyes dry in the end, yet now as the pain split through her side she wasn't surprised to discover her body had plenty of tears left to shed.

"How're you feeling?"

 _Castle._

He shouldn't see her like this, so raw, so broken. She took a minute, gnawing on her bottom lip to stifle the pain as she allowed his voice to ease over her like a balm, working to cure everything that ailed her.

The delicate war dance in her mind, equal parts wanting to let him help and being terrified of him seeing too much of her struggle...

It was a dangerous balance and she had never been a talented tight rope walker. When the throbbing along her incision eased to a manageable dull ache, she met his concerned expression, trying to force a playful smirk onto her lips.

"Feeling like I was shot in the chest," she joked, a dry tone coloring her voice removed all humor from the words.

Castle's face fell for a second, before he seemed to catch himself and a reassuring smile stretched across his face. Her heart clenched. He didn't deserve her hostility and she definitely didn't deserve his kindness, not when her responses were on autopilot. A snarky defense she had put in place over the last few weeks in the hospital, having had her fill of pity and fake concern from others.

"Beckett, I didn't mean – "

"No, I know." She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut again, before bracing herself to look into his all too caring gaze. "Castle, I'm sorry. I'm already snapping at you and we haven't even left the hospital."

"Hey, hey. It's fine. I'll pretend we're at the precinct," he teased, turning back to pull the armchair closer to her bedside. He was the most understanding person she had ever met, almost to a fault. His kindness was his true weakness.

Reaching over, trying to avoid pulling at her skin, she grabbed his hand and offered him a small squeeze. It was a small gesture, but it was enough to lighten the hazy color of his eyes into a brighter, vibrant blue. The feeling of his skin against hers warmed her cheeks. She cleared her throat, pushing down her nerves to offer him a quiet explanation. "It's not okay, Castle. You've been great and I've been- I just hope you know that I _do_ appreciate it."

She should explain further, tell him that the hole in her chest is the least of what was broken inside of her, but her mouth wouldn't move anymore. Words were caught in her throat and she sank back into her over-starched pillow.

"How about we just take baby steps?"

Her eyes narrowed from the question before arching her eyebrow in response.

"Baby steps?" she asked, nearly laughing.

"Yes. Like today, you're leaving the hospital."

"Uh huh." She played along with a nod, patronizing his explanation.

"See. You're not messing that up."

"Castle, if I manage to mess up being discharged, I think I'd belong in a padded room," she snapped.

"Baby steps," he repeated, gently squeezing her fingers as he spoke. Well, one thing was for sure, even after all the deathbed declarations, they could still be them. He could still get under her skin like no one she had ever known.

"If you say baby steps one more time…"

"Okay, so I've found one thing to avoid saying over the summer," he teased with a wink. "See, we're already learning."

"This is a big house right?"

" _Funny_. At least you're feeling up to making jokes. Don't worry, plenty of space for you to have alone time when we're there."

"I don't want to be alone," she admitted, softly, his eyes warming from the confession. "But it's good to know that if I need it-"

"If you need it, all you have to do is ask."

He'd do anything for her if she asked. She knew that.

That was what worried her.

* * *

The ride to the Hamptons was quiet.

Surprisingly so.

Castle had always been the type that had the habit of filling comfortable silences with mindless chatter. Useless facts and statements would fly from his mouth in rapid succession. There was never a quiet moment with him, until today.

It was too much. The silence left a thick tension in the air, almost suffocating her as she sank further into the leather seat.

Beckett turned her head, peering at him through her lowered eyelashes, and just watched. She couldn't help it. In all her years of knowing him, she'd never known him to be this anxious, the nervous energy twitching through his fingertips.

"Say something." The words rushed from her lips before her common sense could stop her from speaking. Castle winced, looking over at her with a guilty expression.

"Silence wasn't the way to go?" She shook her head with a slight smile. "I didn't want to drive you crazy the entire trip. I was trying to be careful."

"Castle, I don't want you to be careful. I'm coming to the Hamptons with you to be with, _you_." She reached over and placed her hand on top of his right hand, lightly squeezing. "Please don't walk on eggshells around me."

"I just want to help you, Kate."

"And that's enough."

It had to be, because internally her mind was spiraling, unconsciously listing all the ways this summer would be better spent alone at her dad's cabin. She was trying to not to have regrets, to just be grateful for Castle's hospitality, but she couldn't stop the doubts. If she was going to be with him this summer, she needed to filter herself. She couldn't let him see the true ugliness of what this bullet had done to her. body and mind

She would pretend to be strong, for him.

In the moments she couldn't keep it together, she was grateful that the steady flow of narcotics slithering through her veins would allow her hide in her dreams.

Sleep was always welcome.

If only she could manage a dreamless sleep, now that would be a gift.

* * *

Mid sentence, Castle turned his head and found his partner passed out, pressed against the glass of the passenger side window. Her mouth was hanging open with a tiny bit of drool clinging to her bottom lip.

She looked cute.

He smiled at her. She amazed him, every day, but the fact that even looking so exhausted, even the way her body was bruised and battered from the days of hell since the shooting, she was _still_ cute...

No, not cute; she was beautiful. Extraordinary, no less than when he first laid his eyes on her. If anything, these last couple of months have proven that she was even more than what he had initially imagined. It didn't matter what life threw at her, he'd never find Kate Beckett to be anything other than perfect.

This summer it was his goal to prove to her how amazing she truly was and he knew how fortunate he was to even have the opportunity to have this time with her.

Agreeing to come to the Hamptons with him was a huge step for her and it had honestly surprised him. She could have run away and hidden from the world.

Hidden from him…

Yet, here she was, basking in the warmth of the sunshine as he pulled off the highway onto the city streets. There were so many little things he wanted to point out to her as he weaved his car through traffic, but that would have to be saved for another day. She was here with him for the summer. He was given the gift of time

After all the missed opportunities, spending so much of their partnership imagining the day he could bring her up here with him. The fact that she'd finally agreed to come now, this was a big step.

This was important and he'd treasure that.

He wanted to make sure she wouldn't regret it, trying to keep everything in a careful balance for her. If he could give her the world, he would, but there was a difference between what he thought she needed and what he could only assume she wanted.

He loved her, but he had to give her time.

All he wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and protect her from anyone and anything that wanted to hurt her, but she wasn't ready. For some reason Kate felt that she needed to be better, be _more_. It was the furthest thing from the truth.

He wouldn't push her. She needed to see it for herself, on her own. Kate needed to realize that she didn't have to be anything more than what she already was.

There was nothing wrong with self betterment. People learned more and grew more every day, figuring out ways to improve their lives or situations. He understood the desire, but Beckett's plight was misguided. The concept of needing to be better for _him_. She was already more than he could ever deserve in life; every single one of his wishes come true, wrapped up in her kickass, take charge self.

If only she could see herself the way he did, the way the rest of the world saw her.

She was nothing short of amazing and if anything, he would never be worthy of her.

* * *

Blinded.

White splotches veiled her vision as her eyes cracked open enough to add 'splitting headache' to the list of pains that plagued her abused body for the day. Kate pushed the heels of her palms against her eye sockets, in effort to remove the sparks of light from her sight.

When she was a child, her mother had constantly yelled at her when she would stare at the sky for too long. Johanna had warned her of permanent damage to her vision, but at the time she'd just scoffed and rolled her eyes. The warmth from the sun made her feel alive, like anything was possible.

Yet, years later the sunlight was a fickle friend streaming down on her as she almost bled to death on the bright spring day twenty one days ago.

Twenty one days of a constant battle…

"Beckett?"

His voice startled her from the memory of that day. She jerked her head far too quickly toward the sound, pulling at the new skin forming beneath the thick gauze bandage that she still wore as if it was a security blanket. She bit back a cry at the sharp pain that shot through each tattered nerve ending, tired from overuse. Castle looked panicked for a moment and she could only imagine the pain her eyes held. She needed to try harder to not show how badly she felt. She needed to be better for _him_. Straightening her spine, she swallowed down the pain and focused on the quiet concern in his expression.

"Yeah, Castle?" She forced her lips into a fleeting attempt at a smile. "Sorry, I must have fallen asleep."

"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice tight, blinking away the fear his eyes held. She could tell that he was being strong for her as well.

She nodded, trying her best to give him some sort of reassurance. "I'm fine. I promise. Skin just pulled a bit."

"You're probably due for another pain pill. It's a good thing we're finally here."

Her concentration wavered as she finally caught sight of the house in front of them. It was gorgeous, like 'belonged in a magazine' perfect. She sometimes forgot who he really was, lost track of the fact that Castle was somewhat of a celebrity. But in moments like this, staring at his vacation home, the reality of the situation was jarring.

This was the man who had tried to save her life, almost took a bullet for her. He just happened to also be her favorite author who had kept her alive all those years ago through his words when the world looked bleak and uncaring after her mother's murder. Now, he was her personal savior again, here in the flesh, opening his home to her because he loved her.

' _I love you, Kate.'_

His beautiful words still haunted her dreams. _The constant worry._ What if she could never be good enough for him? She took a deep breath. This wasn't the time to worry about that...

Healing first. Mind and body, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Looking around as he helped her out of the car, she couldn't stop her mouth from hanging open.

"Castle, this place is amazing."

He beamed at her, pride swelling in his chest as his shoulders lowered. Her words seemed to calm some unspoken worry in his mind.

"And this is just the outside," he added, his body now practically buzzing with excitement. "Just wait until you see the room that I had my housekeeper set up for you."

She stuttered to a stop, frozen near the front steps.

"Set up for me? I don't want you to go to a lot of trouble for me."

He placed his hand against her lower back, so carefully like she was made of porcelain. The way she felt right now as she leaned into his touch, she felt like she might be. She tried to take a deep breath, struggling at the inhale, but his hand steadied her.

"It's no trouble at all, I promise. I just figured it would be easier for you to be on the first floor." She hummed in agreement. "Best to avoid the stairs right now, so you're staying in the master bedroom."

"You're giving up your room?" she asked, turning toward him.

"Kate, it's just a room. It's not important. You are."

Her battered heart fluttered from his words and a rush of warmth flooded her cheeks.

"Castle…" she sighed, looking down at her hands. It was all too much. She couldn't help but think of all the hundreds of other women whom he could have spent the summer with, far less complicated women. It didn't seem worth it. Finding the courage to meet his eyes again, she found him staring back at her, like he knew every last fear that she just had.

"You're worth it. Don't ever doubt that."

She couldn't respond, panicking that she had actually spilled all her secrets out loud, but in reality, he could always read her like an open book. It was their unexplainable connection.

After a moment, she swallowed down the traitorous emotion that crept up her throat and nodded.

"Thanks, Castle," she murmured, as her heart still battled against all the anxiety flowing through her system. She could never repay him for everything he had done for her. There was no way he would ever realize how grateful she truly was…

How much she wanted to be able to love him one day like he truly deserved...

"Come on. Let me show you around and then I can get our bags," he said, smiling as he ushered her into the house.

"Hey, Castle?" she asked, tugging at his arm as he moved onto the steps. He turned back toward her, quirking his head to the side.

"Yeah?"

Carefully, she leaned forward and brushed a whisper of a kiss against his cheek.

"Thank you."

"Wha-"

She pressed a single finger against his lips to silence his words and she gave her head one small shake.

"For now, it's all I have. Just - thank you."

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thank you for reading. I love and appreciate every single review. All the support for chapter one has blown me away!_

 _xoxo_

 _Thanks to my lovely betas for making my words make sense._


	3. Sticky Situation

_A/N: Sorry for the delay! Summer craziness is starting to calm so hopefully more regular updates now._

 _._

* * *

 ** _What_ _ **You Wa** nted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _ **Chapter Three**_

She needed to lie down.

The tour of his Hampton's home was all too overwhelming for one day and her body was paying the price.

His place was gorgeous. Every last detail was perfectly thought out, tying each room together, and creating a synergy that flowed through the entire house.

Yet she couldn't help but imagine how she would have felt seeing it for the first time a year ago. A time before her body was marred with scars from a bullet which had left her shattered from the inside out.

She would have loved it then...

The idea that the failed Memorial Day weekend with Castle could have sparked their obvious tension into something more left her with a pang of regret in the pit of her stomach. She could never be that carefree person she had desperately wanted to be then. What had she been thinking? She had hoped to be one day but all the 'what ifs' from the past weren't anything other than wishful thinking from a lovesick fool.

Kate was more realistic now.

Blinking back into the present, she gave Castle a soft smile and placed her hand against the soft cotton of his sleeve, stilling him in his path.

"Castle, this is all great. It is –"

"But?"

"No, but… I want to see the house, _I do_ , it's just," she said, hesitating as she bit back a wince from the sharp pain that sliced up her side. Her face must have shown all that she needed to say, because his eyes widened and he gently ushered her toward the nearest sofa.

"God, I'm an idiot. Kate, I'm sorry, I should've known better than trying to give you the 'full Castle Hampton's tour'," he said, using air quotes in a way that she couldn't help but laugh at. He really was trying and maybe it was already helping; she felt lighter around him in ways she hadn't when he was absent from the hospital.

"Castle, it's okay. I'm fine."

"You don't need to pretend for me..."

"I'm not, it's manageable." She paused long enough to fill her lungs with oxygen. "I just want to save some of the exploring for another day. No need to waste the whole tour on day one, what would we do tomorrow?" She smirked, trying her best to keep her voice soft and free from the agony that was wreaking havoc on each frayed nerve.

Kate gently squeezed his shoulder, her body listing toward his as he sat down next to her. Oh, she definitely needed to rest soon, because using Castle for stability should be a huge red flag that she was not as fine as she wanted him to believe.

His hand hovered at her side, like he was unsure if the physical contact was permission for him to break their unwritten rule of barely touching each other. "Let me show you to your room and I can let you get settled while I bring you some water and your meds." Dropping his fingers into the space between them, he sighed, the safe approach to things winning over anything else.

"I'm a grown-up. I can get my own medicine, you know," she huffed, arching her eyebrow at his look of mock offense.

"True, but you are here for healing and relaxation at Casa de la Castle for the summer, meaning; stop being stubborn and let me help," he teased. Her shoulders slumped, all energy to fight vanished.

"Lying down would probably be a good idea," she sighed, admitting defeat as she betrayed her intention to not visibly show the pain she was in.

He moved gingerly around her, trying not to agitate the sofa cushions as he stood up.

"Okay, let me help you to your room." Castle offered his hand, carefully lifting her from the cushions.

"Wait…" She felt lightheaded, reaching forward, her palm landed on his shoulder as she tried to prevent her knees from buckling. In through her nose, out through her mouth, the mantra played through the fog of her mind, trying to keep her shattered body intact.

Focusing on her breathing, she took a minute to gain her composure again. It could have been the change of altitude from standing suddenly. It could have been; but it wasn't. If she was completely honest with herself, it was probably because of the way her body landed flush against his when he helped her up.

"Is everything okay?"

With a shy nod, she stepped back to a more appropriate distance and cleared her throat, staring at her feet as she moved. "Yeah, sorry."

"Hey, nothing to apologize for. Your eyes just glazed over for a second, and I was going to tell you, if you're up for it later on, I have a little surprise."

"Castle…" she warned, her eyes darting back up.

"Nothing big. Promise." He smiled, holding his hands up in surrender.

She knew better. She knew _him_.

"We both have very different ideas of what big means."

"Well, you'll just have to wait and see, Detective Skeptical."

* * *

Kate's eyes cracked open, blinking as she adjusted to the shadows dancing on the ceiling. Dim light crept in from beneath the door, a welcome reprieve from the darkness blanketing the room.

She remembered staring at the glowing numbers on the clock from her bedside table, each minute ticking by, but at some point she must have dozed off. Guessing from the stiffness in her muscles and the flare of pain in her chest, she must have slept for longer than just the short nap she had initially planned for. It was surprising that Castle hadn't tried to wake her up.

Castle had told her that he had a surprise which probably meant that he had gone overboard, like renting a small team of acrobats to perform for them, or something worse. Nothing he did was ever small or subtle.

With a deep breath, she carefully propped herself up against the headboard and paused to let her heartbeat calm itself before she rolled from the mattress. Her toes curled into the plush rug as soon as her feet hit the floor.

Everything about Castle's master bedroom was expertly selected. His interior designer had worked wonders from what she had seen of the house, but this room was different, it felt like him. He'd definitely had more input in the selection of pieces that adorned his private space. Looking around, she felt almost voyeuristic, it all seemed too personal.

He told her he loved her and in a matter of weeks since then, she was now sleeping in his bed. Not in the way she had dreamed of for so many restless nights, but she had just slept, wrapped up in his high thread count sheets and she couldn't ignore the nagging feeling that it had felt right. Better if she had been wrapped in his arms, but she shouldn't think that way yet.

She was here in the Hamptons with him. That was all she could give him right now. The idea of anything more was overwhelming as she focused every ounce of her energy on stitching her body back together from the inside out.

* * *

"Hey, Sleepy."

"Yeah, sorry about that," she said, a small smile flitting on her lips as she walked toward the fridge to grab a bottle of water. The tug of her healing skin from reaching forward was a not so subtle reminder that she should take another pain pill. She hated that, she had hated the idea of habit forming substances since her dad's extensive struggle with drinking. This was out of her control; she had to keep herself together. "Guess your grand tour took a bit more out of me than I had initially thought."

She squeezed his forearm as she passed him on the way to sit at the kitchen table, his skin warm against hers. It was an odd craving, the desire to touch him. There was a delicate strand of self control that had been unraveling with each passing moment since he had entered her life.

' _I love you, Kate.'_

The memory was like ice water, bringing her back to the harsh reality. She would destroy them if she wasn't careful. She had to tread lightly.

"I'm glad you slept. I hope I wasn't too loud outside?"

"No, not at all. I'm happy that you found things to do besides babysitting me." Kate shot him a wink, as she took a sip from the bottle. "I don't want my recovery to ruin your summer."

"I'm here with you this summer for your recovery. I _want_ to be here."

"I know, Castle, but it's going to get a little boring. Don't you think?"

"Beckett, when have we ever been boring?" he asked. His eyes lit up with his words, wiggling his eyebrows in her direction in a way that made her laugh, obviously the reaction he had wanted. She sighed, pressed the tips of her fingers against the fresh scar up her side, the pressure relieving the ache from her laughter.

Castle looked over his shoulder as he moved through the glass French doors that led to the expansive backyard. The childlike excitement was hard for him to contain.

"What are you up to?"

He turned back long enough to pop his head through the doorway when he realized she wasn't following him. "The surprise that I promised," he hummed. "Up for a little walk?"

"I could be persuaded." She grinned, easing from her seat as she took a slow drag of air, breathing through the dull ache in her chest. A little walk, she repeated silently. Nothing more. She could do this.

Castle was here with her.

It would be okay.

* * *

She wouldn't call this a little surprise.

They hadn't made it down to his private beach earlier in the tour, but she could tell this beach bonfire set up was not permanent in nature. Castle had blankets, a cooler, and a picnic basket all laid out within a safe distance from the beautiful open flames of the fire, while there was seating near enough to enjoy the warmth.

The short walk had tired her out again, her body in a constant state of fatigue, but she didn't care right now. She couldn't care about anything but this man and his thoughtfulness.

"Oh my God, Castle!" she gasped, frozen, as he moved to sit near the flames.

"You like?"

"I can't believe you did this." Her fingertips drummed against her lips as she arched her eyebrow at him in shock. He had gone to all this trouble and this was only the first day of their summer together.

"You have to give me more…is this a good surprise or is this a 'Castle, you idiot' sort of thing?" he asked, wincing from his seat on the large piece of driftwood. He must have propped it next to the fire for them to use as a bench.

"Definitely good," she hummed. A happy sigh slipped from her lips as she looked down at him, unable to contain her smile any longer.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Here, let's get you down here then," he said, easing her onto the log next to him. "Part two of the surprise…" Castle reached down on the small throw blanket and pulled a bag out of the basket. She noticed it was filled with marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers.

"S'mores? Oh, _now_ you're my favorite person."

"I wasn't before?"

"You were in the running," she teased, "but this guarantees it." The length of his thigh pressed flush against hers and the warmth of the fire faded; all she could feel was the delicious touch. All her focus narrowed to that point of contact, it was maddening.

"If I would've only known that s'mores were the way to your heart, I would've made you my famous smorlette years ago."

"I don't even want to know what that is," she said with a laugh.

"All the beauty of s'mores in a lovely breakfast dish… even though it's still more of a dessert than a breakfast food. I'll have to make it for you sometime this summer."

"I don't know whether to be excited or scared," she murmured, her hand covering her mouth again to hide her reaction. She felt giddy in this moment with him.

"Excited. Unless you're scared you won't be able to eat just one? That's a legitimate concern."

* * *

Castle's laughter mixed with hers as the sound of the fire crackling and the ocean's waves filled the role of the soundtrack for their evening.

Kate hadn't been able to keep down much solid food since the shooting, but tonight sitting here with him, she ate her fill of marshmallows happily. She had swallowed down her pride when she realized that she wouldn't be able to roast the marshmallows on her own, letting him handle it all since her body was still unable to stretch for long enough to hold the skewer.

Licking her fingers clean from the remnants of the sticky dessert, she carefully laid her head against Castle's shoulder. She felt his body stiffen in surprise for a split second before he took a breath and relaxed into the moment. As she stared at the bonfire, with the darkened tide visible beyond the flames, she couldn't help but feel at peace for the first time since the bullet left her body ragged.

"Castle?" she asked, a sleepy sigh following the words.

"Hmm…"

"Thank you for this."

Her words were soft, but sincere. He had helped her forget for a couple hours that they were here for her to heal from a gunshot wound. Tonight they were just Castle and Beckett – _partners_.

Perhaps on the path towards more, someday in the near future…

"You don't need to thank me, Kate," he said, so low she almost couldn't hear him over the fire. They both seemed to be lulled into relaxation by the evening, neither one wanting to break the spell.

"I do," she stated, clearing her throat of the thick emotion that crept up. She sat up to meet his eyes. "Tonight was perfect. You somehow knew exactly what I needed."

"I just got lucky –"

He shook his head, but she stilled him with the touch of her palm against his hand.

"No, it's more than that. It's you. It's – I'm glad I'm here with you, Castle," she whispered, leaning her head back against the soft cotton of his shirt.

"For what it's worth, I'm glad you're here with me too," he breathed, lacing his fingers between his and brushing the faintest of kisses onto her forehead.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thank you so much for reading! I can't wait to hear what you think of this chapter!_

 _xoxo_

 _Thank you to my lovely beta ladies. You made this chapter work when it was a mess that shouldn't see the light of day!_


	4. What Lurks at Night

**_._**

* * *

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _ **Chapter Four**_

"No!"

Kate's eyes shot open, her body paralyzed from fear and pain as the beads of sweat staining her skin saturated the bedding. She couldn't catch her breath; one gasp for air was followed in quick succession by the next. This was what _dying_ felt like; her heart hammering against the lattice of her ribcage in time with the blood racing to her head and pounding within her ears.

"Beckett? Kate?" The voice came out of nowhere and she looked around, forcing herself to move and locate the sound.

Her head darted to the door where she finally saw a figure standing. Her sight was hazy, she wasn't really seeing him, couldn't focus on anything but the rush of adrenaline, it was maddening, but she registered frantic concern bleeding from his expression.

"No! Don't come close! They'll kill you too!"

A voice shrieked through the cotton candy like fluff of her mind. Was that sound coming from her? She wasn't in control of her reactions as her head shot side to the side. Crawling back up toward the headboard, she buried herself under pillows.

"Kate, it's me. You're okay. I've got you."

She felt herself wrapped up in warmth, a hypnotic presence running a soothing touch up and down the ridges of her spine, and the thrashing in her head calmed. The razor sharp edge she had been on was washed away by the strength in the body holding her together.

"Castle," she breathed, oxygen finally filling her lungs, his name almost a prayer on her tongue.

"I'm right here. It's okay," he hushed, his words whispered onto the top of her head as his lips brushed against her hair.

Her eyes eased shut, the weight of her body melting into his. She took a deep breath, his comforting scent filling her senses and relaxing her mind.

* * *

"Don't let me hurt you…"

Kate mumbled into the cotton of his t-shirt as she curled closer against his chest, her voice thick with sleep. She sounded so broken, but he couldn't help feeling confused by her words. He assumed that she didn't mean physically hurt because her frail, slight frame couldn't harm a fly these days. It didn't matter.

He loved her.

He loved her to the point that seeing her like this was devastating. Kate was typically the pillar of strength; she kept her emotions in check, very rarely had she given him a glimpse inside.

But this?

Her screaming had woken him from the deepest of sleep. The sheer terror in her voice had echoed through the walls and left him sprinting down the stairs to find her in a sleep-like panic attack state. She hadn't even noticed him standing there as he had tried to work out in his head how to help her. This was the first time in the week since they had come here that she'd had an episode this horrifying, or at least this was the first he had witnessed. He could only hope she hadn't gone through one of these alone.

He brushed the veil of her hair away from her face and his heart fluttered at the peacefulness of her features, a stark contrast to her tortured expression mere minutes ago. All he wanted was to take the pain away, protect her from the evil that wanted to destroy her from the outside in.

She had seemed to be making strides this week. Everything had appeared to be on the right path, forward moving in the journey to heal her mind and body. Yesterday, however, she had seen her therapist for the first time since coming out to the Hamptons. She had left the office looking like a scared little girl and he wanted nothing more to wrap her into his arms and not let go. He should have known that rehashing the past in her session would bring the darkness back to the surface. He was naïve to think it could have been this easy.

He should have known better. Kate Beckett was still trying to protect him from the ugliness of her recovery. Her private moments were obviously more tormented than she had led him to believe. He had tried to give her room, space to allow her to come to him, but he now felt like a failure.

Kate had needed help, needed him. She had been suffering in silence and he had let her.

He couldn't fail her again.

* * *

She woke in a fog, the pale morning light barely making its way through the curtains, leading her to the assumption of the early hour. Her head was dizzy, fuzzy with the confusion of nightmares blending into her unreliable memory of reality. It wasn't the first time she had the terror of her past bleeding its way into her dreams, but it was the first time she couldn't shake the feeling. The vivid images that had flashed in her mind seemed real, more so than the truth that she had been safe in her bed.

Her bed.

She wasn't in _her_ bed, she was in Castle's bed and there was an overwhelming warmth at her back that hadn't been there when she had gone to sleep last night. Reaching back, her hand was met by a solid form, and she carefully twisted around to find her partner lying behind her, peacefully asleep.

His lashes fluttered open and his eyes met hers with a look laced with worry.

"Hey," she whispered, sinking back down into her pillow, her heart an unsteady rhythm in her chest. She'd dreamt far too many times of the day that she'd wake up in bed next to him - but fully clothed after a night time panic attack wasn't one of the ways she had imagined.

"Hey." He answered with a faint smile, his voice as soft and hesitant as hers. The way he brushed his hand along her bicep overwhelmed her senses, as if she could break at any moment, like she was delicate porcelain ready to shatter. "You couldn't have gotten much sleep."

"When did you –"

Sloshing through the memories of last night, she somewhat remembered Castle helping her through the night terror. She recalled his strength pulling her from the horror and back into the light, but she hadn't realized they'd fallen asleep together. Not that she minded. It felt right, almost familiar, as much as that scared the hell out of her.

"You were pretty out of it last night. I wanted to stay and make sure you were okay," he said, a subtle shade of pink warmed his cheeks as his voice broke on the last word. "I should've just stayed in the chair…"

"Castle, don't be ridiculous," she scoffed. "I just – I remember you being here last night, but I also remember –"

"Your nightmare." He finished for her and she nodded. His eyes held such care, staring at her in a way that made her feel more exposed than she ever had before, yet she didn't want to run.

"It was more than that, it was real."

She wanted to be honest with him, be open about things, but she couldn't, not yet, not entirely. Even when she was little, she had kept her fears close to the chest, not wanting to worry her parents with little things. Her dad had once told her it was stubbornness, and maybe it was then, but now it was really a matter of protection.

She had never wanted to take her guard down, until now.

Until Castle…

"Has it happened before?"

"At the hospital," she muttered, her lips brushing against the pillowcase as her hand fisted around the sheets, her knuckles white, her pulse quickening.

This was a mistake. She didn't need to worry him with this; he shouldn't have to be subjected to all her problems. He knew that she was physically recovering, her strength replaced by frailty, but he didn't need to know how anguished she was inside.

Who would want someone like that?

"If there is something I can do…?" His question faded at the end, like he couldn't decide what he wanted to say. "You shouldn't have to go through that alone."

Kate looked up at him through her lashes, suddenly made shy at the display of his blatant honesty. This man loved her and one day she hoped she could love him the way he deserved.

She dropped her jaw, trying to form some sort of response, but nothing she could offer him was good enough. With a wordless sigh, she closed her mouth and tucked her chin to her chest, turning into herself. Swallowing slowly, her throat was dry as all the things she wished she could tell him flashed in her mind.

"Kate?" he hummed, resting his palm along her cheek, nudging her face back up toward his. "Partners."

The simplest of words meant more than anything else he could have said.

"Partners," she repeated, leaning her head forward against his.

* * *

Castle's body was pleasantly loose and relaxed, molding into the sheets of his king sized bed. The chance to spend the morning and afternoon lounging with the woman of his dreams would probably not come along all that often. He was going to enjoy it for as long as he could.

"We should probably get out of bed," she hummed, leaning against the headboard, slowly shattering his fantasy of their lazy morning turning into a full lazy day.

"Who says?" he asked, not entirely holding back the less than manly whine, trying to entice her. "That's the beauty of summer. No schedule." She needed to relax and not push herself, but he should have known better than expecting her to stay in bed all day.

"True, but my physical therapist might have other opinions about me staying in bed all day."

Bubble burst.

"There you go with logic again," he groaned, flopping his head down on the pillow, acknowledging the losing battle. Kate smiled at him, the one she rarely showed. He stuttered to a stop, grinning back before she shook her head, breaking the spell.

"It's one of my more annoying traits," she teased.

"Detective, I find all of your traits enjoyable."

"Castle," she groaned, hiding her face from him, but he swore he could hear the blush of her cheeks in the shy tone of her voice.

"So how are you feeling?" he asked, trying to move the conversation back to more comfortable, non-threatening topics. She huffed in response. "Honestly?"

"Sore," she mumbled, picking at her fingernail, a habit she recently started.

"Let me get you –"

"It's manageable, Castle." She reached forward, placing her hand against his bicep to stop his plan to get her a pain pill. "I don't want to take anything until it's not."

"Not sure that's how it's supposed to work," he teased, a smirk playing on his lips and he propped himself up against his elbow, lying on his side to face her.

"You help," she admitted, in a moment of sincerity.

"I help? How do I –?"

Her confession made his heart skip, the sheer vulnerability in her words, so far from the tight lipped detective he knew.

"Just being you, Castle. You keep my mind off of things," she continued, meeting his eyes, as they sparkled with truth. "The ice cream sundaes, the bonfires, and all the little ways you've kept my thoughts away from everything that happened with the shooting."

"So my ruggedly handsome charm is finally good for something," he joked with a smug smile, brushing his shoulder for added effect.

That earned him a laugh.

"I'm sure you're good for more." She bit down on her bottom lip, blanching the skin, holding in another laugh at his expense. Beckett could make fun of him every day of his life if she looked this happy doing it.

"Thanks."

"We just haven't figured what it is yet," she joked, a grin breaking free and stretching across her lips.

" _Funny_ ," he said, dryly, finally rolling off of the mattress.

It was great to see her mood had improved since earlier. Though she would never admit it to him, spending so much time in bed seemed to be good for her. However, napping and talking was not the way he had ever imagined spending a day in bed with her.

She rolled away and carefully sat up, scooting forward to place her feet on the floor, and moving into the ensuite with a fresh pair of cotton shorts and a tank top. He watched in awe, trying not to be creepy and stare, but he couldn't help it. The ordeal that she had gone through over the last month; he could never do it. He had called her extraordinary in the past, the word never holding more truth until now.

Everything about her was and she impressed him more every day that she was here with him. He had always known she was strong, yet watching her through her recovery; he could not get over the depths of her strength. She tried to hide her struggle, but he had seen it, watched from afar, only helping so much. The last thing he wanted to do was push her.

If he pushed her, _if_ it was too much, she might leave.

And that would be the last thing he could handle…

Pulling on a clean pair of shorts and a t-shirt from his dresser before she emerged from the bathroom, he took the time to breathe. He was walking a fine line, he couldn't fail.

"Where are you going?" he asked, as she exited the bathroom, slowly, and headed toward the door. She looked sore; the stretch of her muscles as she changed clothes must have taken a toll on her healing body.

"Food. My stomach is running on fumes."

"Say no more." He drifted along side of her on the way to the kitchen, earning himself a sarcastic look.

"You know, I can get something to eat on my own. I'm not completely helpless."

"Of course. Doesn't mean you have to," he said, ushering her through the kitchen, on the way to the glass French doors. "You can relax as I whip something up. I could make you –"

"Castle, I'm starving," she grumbled, crossing her arms gently against her chest.

"How about a sandwich? That's quick, right?"

"Sounds perfect. I can help, you know?" she reminded, quirking her eyebrow as he left her standing there.

"I know, but you're not going to." He offered her a wink and a small chuckle that seemed to brew a small bit of annoyance on her expression. "Why do you go sit outside on the patio, enjoy the fresh air? We can eat out there."

She considered for a moment, he could see the protest bubbling up, but she ended up just offering him a nod. A soft smile played on her lips, a tender pull of her cheeks that crinkled the skin underneath her eyes. The scene halted his quest for a moment, as he stood entirely in awe of her beauty in the natural light of the kitchen.

His kitchen. She was here with him. That fact alone still amazed him.

"You're spoiling me. I don't know how I feel about this."

"You can make it up to me. I have a list of ways," he teased, his eyebrows dancing in response, earning him a beautiful ring of laughter from her lips.

"Keep dreaming, Castle." She was shaking her head as she walked out the back door. He couldn't see her face, but he could hear the smile still dancinging in her words.

He might not be able to take away the nightmares, or the pain, but if he could at least keep her spirits up, then he was doing something right.

"Oh, but I do, Detective, every night!" he called out after her, chuckling.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks for reading everyone! I truly appreciate it and I'm so grateful for all your kind words. Can't wait to hear from you!_

 _xoxo_

 _Thanks to my lovely friends for the beta. Muah!_


	5. Inner Strength

**_._**

* * *

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _ **Chapter Five**_

The day was perfect.

The warm breeze whirled through her hair, the fresh ocean air making her feel alive as it filled her lungs. She looked back at Castle, grinning at his latest find - a perfect sun-kissed seashell that the tide had uncovered the night before. Her willingness to walk with him for a bit seemed to be energizing him and she'd be lying if she didn't admit that she was feeding from his excitement.

If it wasn't for the constant ache of her chest and the pull at her incision site, she could almost pretend that she was spending the weekend away with him. Two friends who had finally given into their attraction and were trying to give it a real shot.

 _Shot._

Not the 'real shot' she had pictured in her daydream; the bullet that had ripped through her flesh had been far too real and unforgiving. They didn't have a relationship; they weren't together in the way she hoped to be. The way she _wanted_ to be.

Life was too short and she was wasting time.

She had known that healing her body and mind would be a struggle, but even in her wildest dreams, the process was nowhere near as difficult as it was in reality. Every night, tears stained her pillowcase as she muffled her sobs against the cotton. She tried her best to keep Castle away from it by masking her face, suppressing her emotions the best she could.

She wanted to be good enough for him, wanting to be deserving of the love and devotion he had displayed this past month. There was no way she could ever completely make it up to him, not with what he had done for her. He was too good for her.

Words of gratitude would never be adequate.

* * *

"Dammit!"

Kate's voice echoed through the first floor, her shriek ringing in his ears as he walked through the door from the backyard. They had been relaxing in the Adirondack chairs, gazing at the ocean breaking against the sand. Truly the perfect day...

She had retreated inside twenty minutes ago in search of an afternoon snack, insisting on doing it on her own. He didn't have a right to be overprotective of her, but that didn't stop the worry. When the minutes continued to tick by and she hadn't returned, he couldn't help searching for her. Another near growl filled the air, and he hurried toward the sound, his own personal safety at risk. She wouldn't be happy with him checking on her.

Rounding the corner, he couldn't see Kate standing in the kitchen where he had expected. Instead, he found her sitting on the floor with her head resting against the cabinets. Her breathing was shallow and her eyes were screwed shut, her hand fisting into her cotton shirt near her surgical site.

"Castle, I can feel you leering," she muttered with her jaw clenched. Kate flexed her hand away from her side and looked up, meeting his concern with glassy eyes, full of unshed tears.

"Sorry. I needed to check on you, see if I should send out a search party in case you were lost." He tried to keep his tone light and prevent worry from leeching into his expression, but the roll of her eyes clued him in. She knew him too well.

"Don't be dramatic. I was just making myself something to eat."

"I know my kitchen is pretty advanced, but usually I prepare the food while standing."

She scoffed, glaring at him for his smartass comment.

Glaring was good, especially now; it meant she was angry instead of embarrassed. They knew how to navigate that emotion from years of practice.

However this summer with her, he was learning an entirely new set of rules. He had learned when to push, when to be comforting and when sarcastic comments were the best response.

Biggest lesson? Kate Beckett was stubborn – _beyond_ stubborn.

"I'm perfectly capable of making my own food," she stated, dryly, as he slid down next to her, his thigh kissing her's. Her chest deflated, giving up the stoic posture and she leaned her head carefully against his shoulder. This was their new normal. He'd be lying if he said he didn't appreciate the extra physical contact – just an extra layer to their friendship.

"Beckett, what happened?"

"I tried to make a stupid sandwich."

He stretched, straining his neck to see the spread of lunch meat, bread, and vegetables on the countertop, with two plates and two half made sandwiches.

"Kate…"

"I tried making us a late lunch. I was looking for the Dijon mustard that you like but it wasn't in the fridge." She winced, rubbing her side, the pain etched in the lines under her eyes. "I didn't stretch far, but it was enough."

"You hurt yourself making me a sandwich?"

"You've been so great this past month. I figured - making you something, it was a thank you. It was so small, but I wanted to," she sighed, her weight shifting before she sank further into his side. Feeling brave, he moved the flat of his palm against her patella, running the pad of his thumb against her sun-kissed skin that was exposed by the extra-short jean cutoffs she had worn today. He heard a contented hum pass her lips.

One more brick knocked away from her heart.

"You being here…" He wanted to find the words, figure out the perfect thing in this comfortable quiet. "You being here, it's enough," he finished, as her soft gasp hung in the air. Her head shook, slightly, but enough that he felt it.

"It's not," she whispered. "I'm not."

He turned, a hand gripping each of her biceps, ensuring that she was looking at him, so she could see his objection.

"Kate…"

She held his gaze, a tight lipped frown forming before her head dipped, her chin tucking against her chest. Her breath hitched, biting down on her lip. Typically he felt that the action was just another way for her to torture him, that she couldn't be oblivious to the way he reacted each time she drew her teeth against the skin.

Today was different.

Today the action was reminiscent of a child with a security blanket, worrying the chapped skin instead of breaking down in tears.

"Castle, I – just want to be _more_. More than what I am."

He wasn't the type who would outright tell someone that their feelings were wrong, but in this moment - hell, he wouldn't allow her to think so little of herself.

Kate Beckett would forever be extraordinary and he'd be damned if he allowed her to feel less than that.

"Everything you've done so far, Kate, every scar, every struggle you've overcome since Montgomery's funeral – you amaze me every day by the depth of your strength." He cupped her cheek in the flesh of his hand, nudging her up to meet his eyes. "You will always be the strongest person I know."

"I'm hardly stro-"

"Everything that has happened in your life thus far… The fact that you've survived? There's no one stronger."

The cloud in her expression cleared, maybe temporarily, but it seemed like she was actually letting his words in, wrapping her up and keeping her calm. He wanted to be her support for as long as she allowed him to be. It was a privilege.

"I guess I could take you," she murmured, her eyes shining with a playful smirk stretching her lips.

"Oh you could definitely take me," he chuckled, pushing himself from the floor. And just like that, they were back. The emotional fog dissipated and they were Castle and Beckett again. He offered her a hand, helping her up, giving her a moment to steady herself before he attended to the forgotten sandwiches. "How about I find the mustard and you grab us some water from the fridge."

"Deal."

She nudged his arm with a small smile and a blush stained on her cheeks. Her actions of gratitude were more valuable than any words could ever be.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks for reading and reviewing! You all bring such a smile to my face._

 _xoxo_

 _A, E & J - Thanks for the beta help!_


	6. Beyond Inspiration

**_._**

* * *

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _ **Chapter Six**_

Kate had been quiet since they returned from her doctor's and physical therapy appointments. She had typically kept to herself more after her general therapy sessions; the discussion and analysis always left her introspective for a time afterwards – but never with the medical visits.

This was different.

Against his instincts, Castle waited it out. He gave her the space she needed to deal with whatever was on her mind. However, when the minutes turned into hours, his worry outweighed his patience and he went searching for her.

It didn't take him long to find Kate curled up on the sofa near the overfilled bookshelf in his office. She was wrapped up in a lightweight knit throw and engrossed in a novel that was laying against the apex of her knees. Kate hummed to herself as she read, deep in concentration as she bit down on her bottom lip. He internally chastised himself for thinking that the way she looked right now had to be the hottest thing he had seen in quite some time.

He tried to focus on his concern for her well being. However, when she shifted her legs to the side and he caught a glimpse of the title she was reading – all bets were off.

 _Heat Wave_

She was so completely lost in his words that she hadn't even realized he was standing in the doorway staring, probably looking a bit dumbfounded. He had always known that she had read his books, but the general knowledge and seeing it first-hand were two entirely different things.

Kate Beckett was a _real_ fan of his books. He had never truly believed it until this moment.

He stared at her for what he could only describe as 'too embarrassingly long' before the wood floor beneath his feet creaked and his jaw dropped releasing a gasp that he failed to muffle in time.

"I thought we'd discussed many times that staring is creepy," she murmured, still focused on the book.

"Not staring."

"Want to try again?" She looked up, eyes sparkling. Her expression was challenging, reminiscent of the short haired detective he had met all those years ago. It was nice to see that the fire and fight was still there. She just needed to be reminded of it from time to time.

"I wanted to give you space. It seemed like you needed it today."

He drifted further into the room, tentative in his actions, afraid that she would wall herself up from him if he had read the situation wrong.

"I'm okay. PT was rough. Everything hurts. No different than last time," she said with a shrug. The movement seemed to have pulled more than she had expected, as she worried her bottom lip between her teeth in a manner to hold back her wince.

"But you're getting there…" he reminded her. She shook her head as a halfhearted laugh slipped from her mouth.

"Doesn't feel like it, Castle. Cardiologist cleared me today to go back on active duty when I'm ready. Even though they said I'm not entirely out of the woods and they want to see me back to check my progress."

"That's great." Her eyes narrowed and she sighed. Today she was a walking, talking contradiction, even more than usual. " _Isn't it_?"

"In theory it is. But, I just want to be _normal_ again and I feel far from it."

Seeing the struggle play on her face broke his heart all over again. She had been unbelievable throughout this entire experience. Of course, he had heard all the night time sobs where she hid in her room and thought she was shielding him from her pain, but he had let her work through it on her own. Never far away, but he had known sometimes she wanted to be on her own.

He had to learn when he should step in and help, and when it was best to ignore every last instinct and let her work through it herself.

It had been a tough lesson for him to learn, especially playing along and not letting her know that he was fully aware of her struggles. He had navigated it well thus far, but he couldn't allow her to downplay how far she had come - how much she had improved.

Her desire to be normal again was misguided because the Kate Beckett before him was nothing short of magnificent.

"You know as well as I do, that there is no such thing normal."

"Castle - "

"Hear me out, Kate." The use of her first name seemed to draw her attention, her protest dying on her tongue.

"Okay…"

"What used to be normal for you is gone. Just like what used to be normal for me. Sure, you'll go back to fighting for truth and justice, being the most kickass detective the city has ever seen - but normal? It's a myth. People change every day and they find their new normal." He stopped briefly, second guessing how much he should say, but he shook his head, fighting the doubts. "I don't want us to go back to the old normal. I don't want to go back to a time where you don't know how I feel about you."

"It's just so _damn_ hard. I need progress but it's not getting easier. What if I don't completely recover from this? What if I'm never physically the person I used to be? We never had that -" Beckett looked down at the open book in her lap, tracing the words with her fingertip. He was close enough to see where she was in the story.

Page 105.

It now made sense. Her worries weren't just about her own struggle. She was worried about _them_.

* * *

She was having an out of body experience, it was the only explanation for the way she was admitting her deepest fears to him. There were layers and walls and defense mechanisms that she had built around herself, to protect from anyone getting this close. Castle had been her closest friend in years, but she still had managed to keep him from seeing all the insecurities she kept inside. This summer, she had known he would get closer and see more, but never could she have imagined that she would be this open - this _honest._

He hovered next to the couch, almost treating her like she would break if he made the wrong move.

Maybe she would.

Her stomach was in knots and she curled herself further into the worn leather of the sofa, wishing she could take back her confession. She shouldn't have said anything, she wasn't strong enough yet, but she wanted to be with every fiber of her being.

"Kate -"

His voice was soft and hesitant. It almost made it worse because now she knew he was fully aware of what was bothering her. He always knew when it came to her; sometimes she would swear that he knew more about her than she did.

It didn't matter now, no point of holding back anymore. He knew her fears, what if it was too late for them...

"We never had that one night, Castle, that moment where we couldn't hold back any longer. We've always been so worried about timing. We were always so damn restrained. Hell, the fictional versions of ourselves at least got drunk and hooked up…" She felt the rush of blood color her cheeks as she stared down at the book. So much for subtlety, but she couldn't help it.

She took a deep breath, masking her face from the throb of pain pulsing through each nerve ending. Everything in her body hurt, a constant reminder of the two months of hell she had endured. Both her doctor and physical therapist had tried to explain to her that everyone healed differently and it would take time. She knew that, she had heard it all several times before.

Everyone could repeat it to her daily, but it wouldn't change anything.

She was tired of waiting.

...waiting for her strength to return.

...waiting for the pain to cease.

...waiting to not feel like she was constantly between the crosshairs of a sniper's rifle.

But mostly, she was tired of waiting for that moment where she could finally be more than just partners with Castle.

She wished she had the way of expressing herself like he did, but words were his thing. Today, reading about how he envisioned them through his characters, she couldn't stop herself from getting upset by it, craving that connection.

It was almost a feeling of jealousy against a character that she had inspired.

Nikki and Rook had that night of passion where they put all logic and responsibility aside, but when it came to their real life, thinking always stopped them. There were plenty of times where she had thought Castle had wanted to kiss her, and God knows there were many times she had wanted to do the same.

It had just never happened.

And now she was broken, even more than she had been in all the time she had known him, because now she had physical wounds and scars as well as emotional ones. Their first time, if they ever had one, would be marred by the ugliness painted across her skin and the restrictions her body set.

She didn't want restrictions or self consciousness.

She just wanted him.

She was so tired of excuses.

"Castle," she whispered, finally feeling brave enough to meet his eyes, as he moved next to her on the couch. "What if Nikki and Rook always have more than what we do?"

"Impossible. I know I'm a pretty great writer and all," he said, smirking and she couldn't help but roll her eyes at the show of his ego. "But the characters are only this relatable because of their inspiration." He turned, facing her completely and cupped her cheek within the gentle strength of his palm. "Kate, we're real people with real world problems and emotions. Fictional characters can never have that…"

Her heart sped up. She knew she wasn't at a place yet where she could be the woman he deserved, but she couldn't help momentarily being selfish and wanting so desperately to be in this moment.

This man would move mountains for her. He was basically putting his life on hold this summer to be her support system and she couldn't love him anymore for it. The idea scared the hell out of her and the words were too scary to say out loud, but she couldn't deny it to herself any longer.

She loved Richard Castle.

Before her mind could catch up with her body, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his in a slow, tentative movement. Castle sat frozen and she could feel his hesitation at first, but then he sighed and moved a hand down her arm, twining his fingers through hers. He sank further into the kiss, deepening it as he ran his tongue against the seam of her lips. She opened to him on a gasp. Every inch of her skin was alive and buzzing, as a feeling of relief washed over her body.

It was perfect and magical and right.

She couldn't get enough of him, the taste of him against her tongue or the warmth of his hands running across her skin. Their mouths danced with each other, neither one seeming to want the moment to end. Combing her hands into his hair, she pulled him closer before slowing the kiss with one final chaste press.

A smile stretched across her lips, unable to hold it back as they broke apart on an exhale. Leaning forward, her nose flirted with his, not moving far from the feeling of his skin against hers; yet she still couldn't open her eyes to face what she had done.

"Kate," he breathed. The soft praise of her name said it all and gave her strength. Maybe it would be okay.

"I can't give you everything you deserve yet, Rick, but I'm getting there." Her eyelashes fluttered against his cheek, as she repeated his words about her recovery. She met his gaze. Love painted within his expression, stealing her breath all over again and calming the panic that was weaving its way in her thoughts.

"You will. And I'll be here - waiting. Oh, and Kate?"

"Hmm?" she hummed.

"I promise you it'll be so much hotter than anything I could ever write."

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thank you so much for reading and all the support and love you've given this story. I love each and every kind word you offer!_

 _xoxo_

 _To my lovely betas, thank you._


	7. Hide and Seek

To: Alex, Esther, Alex and Evan - thanks for always putting a smile on my face.

.

* * *

 **What You Wanted**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _ **Chapter Seven**_

The haphazard patterns of the plaster on the bedroom ceiling seemed to be mocking her, leaving her questioning her own sanity. She couldn't even blame the pain medicine anymore because she had successfully weaned herself off of it.

No, this bout of self-deprecating psychosis was entirely her own doing – her stupid heart conflicting with her logic driven mind.

All because she had kissed Castle.

She idiotically, enthusiastically kissed him and she didn't know what to do with herself. The rest of that evening they had skirted around the issue and successfully went back to what they were good at – _avoidance_.

Now a week later, it was still invading her thoughts and starring in her dreams, but they hadn't discussed it. They'd been doing so well, opening up to each other far more than was the norm for them and she broke that, _broke them_ , all because she couldn't keep her emotions in check. Still, as much as she should regret it, she couldn't bring herself to.

The kiss was amazing, heartbreaking and perfect.

Why couldn't things be easy between them? She sank further into the pillow and threw the blanket over her head, maybe she would just stay in bed all day.

A quiet knock caught her attention and she reluctantly wiggled out from beneath the blanket cocoon. Her eyes traveled toward the sound then flickered toward the doorknob as it slowly started to turn.

"Kate?" Her name hung in the air and then silence. Castle remained hidden, hesitating behind the door, almost like he was unsure what he was doing at the doorway in the first place.

"I'm here, Castle," she sighed, acknowledging him, shaking her head at the theatrics.

"Is it okay if I come in?" His voice was reluctant, yet the question made her silently laugh.

"When has that ever stopped you before?" she mused with a smirk as he popped his head around before finally entering the room with his eyes downcast.

" _Ouch_ – but you're right." He lifted his gaze and winked at her, smiling. It was like he was trying to regain some of his confidence, yet he was still hovering by the door.

She swung her legs across the mattress, dangling her feet over the edge, biting back the wince as she tried to ignore the pull of her stiff muscles. Her physical therapist told her it was normal to still feel it – a phantom ache. Even though it seemed like they'd been in the Hamptons forever, it really hadn't been all that long. She was just desperate to return to her normal activities again, well, as normal as she could be.

Meeting his eyes, she lifted her eyebrow at him.

"Castle?"

He shook his head, as if he was clearing the fog from his thoughts. This summer had changed the way he acted around her. She hadn't seen his Page Six celebrity persona at all. He was being himself, without the masks or the distractions.

Her best friend.

She patted the empty space next to her, inviting him closer, and he smiled.

"Sorry, I – um I was just checking on you," he said, rubbing the back of his neck as he sat down. "It's past noon. You're normally up long before I am…"

Damn. He was right. She hated when he was right.

Honestly though, what could she tell him that wouldn't leave him feeling like she regretted what happened?

"I'm –"

"Are you hiding from me?" Castle blurted out the question, nudging her arm, trying to seem casual and she instantly felt worse than before. His eyes were warm, all previous tentativeness gone. She could tell he knew he was right, the question wasn't even necessary.

"Wow. No?" She sounded defensive which was ridiculous, she wasn't fooling anyone. "Castle, I don't –"

"I know what you're thinking." He laid his hand against the bare skin of her leg, his fingertips grazing her knee cap.

"You know what I'm thinking? I doubt –"

"I'm a novelist. It's like our sixth sense, that and the fact that I've been following you around for awhile." He laughed, combing his free hand through his hair. "I know how you completely over analyze everything. I can see it on your face."

"I don't overanalyze…" He gave her a knowing look and she tucked her chin against her chest. "Right."

"We kissed." His words hung in the silence of the room, burning her ears. He said it so matter-of-factly, like it was the most normal thing in the world and she'd be lying if she said she didn't wish it was.

Her eyes focused on his palm still caressing her leg, the touch both, soothing and stimulating, was driving her mad. He really needed to stop doing that if she wanted to concentrate at all.

"And we shouldn't have –"

With a squeeze, he moved his hand from her leg to along her jaw line. He tipped her face up to meet his eyes, the pad of his thumb lightly brushing against the worry etched in her skin.

"And it was perfect," he said, correcting her.

"Castle…" She closed her eyes, trying to breathe, trying not to think about how right he was.

"Kate, it was a kiss, not a proposal," he whispered, his words warming her cheeks. "It doesn't have to mean all the scary things that I'm sure you're thinking of in your head."

"Doesn't it though?" Her voice was raspy as she pushed away from him, needing space to think. She needed air and his touch on her skin was entirely distracting. His presence jumbled her thoughts and started to make her think that maybe it really wouldn't be so hard. She shook her head. The idea was a fairy tale; real life didn't work that way. Everything couldn't be packaged up with a nice little bow. The hero didn't always win; the guy didn't always get the girl. Real life was hard. Drawing a long breath, she let the oxygen fill her lungs, working to calm her nerves before she met his eyes again. "Isn't it everything that we're eventually moving towards? Kissing you was jumping the gun – before I was actually ready for a relationship…"

He offered her a soft smile, filled with more understanding than he should possibly have left for her neurotic way of thinking. Reaching forward, Castle ran his hand along her upper arm, the touch centering her on him again and moving her further from her frantic thoughts.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Mmhmm."

"Do you want me to date other people?"

Her eyes flew up to meet his. There was no way he could possibly think…?

"What!? No. Of course not!" _What if…?_ "Do _you_ want to date other people?"

"No. Do you want to date anyone else?"

"No – Castle." She combed her hands through hair, tugging the tangled strands for a moment before she turned back to him. "Are we fooling ourselves here?" she asked on a sigh, leaning forward to rest her forward against his shoulder, breathing in the welcoming scent of him. She relaxed as he rubbed his hands down her back as she hummed. God, she knew she was fooling _herself_.

"I haven't wanted to date other people in a really long time, Kate," he admitted, dropping his chin as his lips brushed onto the top of her head as he spoke. "Hell, even getting back with Gina was a mistake because I honestly can't tell you when it happened, but I haven't wanted anyone else but you in a really long time."

Her bruised heart hammered against her chest as his words sank in, words that she had known to be true, but she had always tried hiding from them, unable to face the truth in the light of day. Now that it was all laid out before them, she couldn't help but feel absolutely terrified.

"I'm going to ruin it," she whispered, looking up at him and the tenderness in his gaze stole her breath all over again. There was no way she was going to survive this. "I'm going to ruin us, Castle. I'm not good at this and it's all going to…"

She shook her head, letting the words die on her tongue. It was all excuses invented from fear. His eyes seemed to search hers from some unspoken permission as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead. The touch of his lips on her skin again ignited a confidence within her, giving her the strength to continue. Clearing her throat, she offered him a smile before brushing her fingertips along the sharp angles of his jaw.

"Rick, I wanted to kiss you and we did and now what if there's no going back with us…"

"Do you want to go back? Go back to when you didn't know how I felt? Go back to when you couldn't lean against me when you needed to? Go back to not holding my hand when you're scared and make that adorable little whimper while we're watching a scary movie? Because I don't – I want all of that and more…" He seemed out of breath when he stopped, his eyes wild, insistent.

"Castle, what are you saying?"

"What would be different about us being in a relationship?"

" _Everything_. It could change…" Her voice fell silent. She was an idiot. How could she not have seen?

"Kate?" He tucked the loose curl behind her ear, gently caressing her cheek as her eyes fluttered closed for a moment before meeting his stare again.

"I'm scared to death," she confessed. "Someone is trying to kill me, Castle."

"I know, but we'll find them. I promise you – "

"I'm pretty sure there aren't any leads or the boys would've called us."

"We'll figure it out together, Kate."

"I was shot and I'm still healing. My life is still in shambles and the only sliver of normalcy is _you_. I can't lose you, Rick. I can't risk that if we don't work…" She could feel her eyes well up with tears, but she choked it back, refusing to cry anymore over what had happened to her.

Before she could say anything more, Castle pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I promise you, _no matter what_ , you will never lose me."

"I'm going to mess this up." Her lips brushed against the cotton of his plaid shirt, sinking further against the wall of his chest.

"I'm sure I will too at one point. It's okay to be human."

"Just human," she repeated with a nod. Sitting here with him, it felt right, safe.

Her mind was reeling. They were set up to fail, and all the ways it could go wrong flashed across her thoughts, but then the hidden truth was uncovered.

In this moment, she didn't want to run away. She didn't want to hide.

Not from him.

Not anymore.

"Okay."

"Okay?" he asked, smiling.

"I'm not strong enough to fight it – not anymore. I want you, Castle. I just want you." Her nose grazed against his, lightly dancing before she leaned all the way forward and claimed his mouth.

* * *

 _ **Tbc**_

 _Thanks for reading everyone! I look forward to hearing what you thought about this chapter!_

 _xoxo_


	8. Moments

**_._**

* * *

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _ **Chapter Eight**_

The air felt lighter in the morning.

He woke up and eased out of bed with an extra spring in his step. Every possible cliché about the world being brighter and happier when you're in love came to mind as he wandered down the hallway. He felt like a walking cartoon with heart eyes bulging from his head.

It was ridiculous. He needed to get a grip.

Nearing the kitchen, he cleared his throat to try his best to calm his nerves and play it cool. This was his partner, the same partner who he'd been in love with for awhile now.

Yet everything was different. They had promised to take it slow. He could handle that, he could handle anything knowing that he was in a relationship with Kate.

"Good morning." He drifted around the island, finding Beckett perched on one of the bar stools at the counter, lips pressed to her coffee mug, reading. Even like this, even with bedhead and only in pajamas, she was breathtaking.

She looked up from her book and smiled at his greeting.

"Hey, Castle."

"You're up early," he said, propping his hip against the cabinet, as his eyes landed on the French press and empty mug sitting next to her plate of fresh fruit. "Oh, and you made coffee?"

"Yeah. Just wanted to say thank you," she hummed, a casual smile playing on her lips as she poured him a fresh cup.

"Thank you?"

With a soft laugh, she shook her head and handed him the mug, their fingers gently brushing when the thick of his palm wrapped around the warm ceramic. A faint shade of pink colored her cheeks upon contact, it was both beautiful and reassuring that just the simplest of touches affected her as much as they affected him.

"And you call yourself a writer?" she teased. "I thought you knew basic vocabulary."

" _Funny._ "

She winked at him and took another sip of her coffee. "It's just a little thank you for being you and being here for me this summer."

He moved next to her, dipping his chin to press his lips against her forehead and she sighed, leaning into his touch. She shouldn't be thanking him, her presence this summer had been a gift enough. She was so different in the Hamptons, so open with him. Every once in awhile, in moments like this, the idea that she chose to be here with him, took his breath away.

"You're welcome. But I should be thanking you for letting me, be here with you."

"Don't be silly. It's the least I could do, since it's your house and all," she said, smirking.

Her eyes sparkled, joy decorating every fleck of color in the kaleidoscope of her iris. He found himself lost in them, and it took him more than a few seconds to come back to himself, completely captivated. He cleared his throat, trying to focus.

"Can I take you somewhere tonight, Kate?" He paused, trying to find an excuse for the date without pressuring her with an official label. Kate tucked her head into the cove of his neck, almost like an invitation for him to wrap his arms around her. She didn't have to say the words and shatter their quiet moment, he was happy to oblige on her silent plea. He slid his hands tentatively to rest against her hips, holding her close and allowing his lips to brush in her hair as he spoke. "We can celebrate your recovery…"

It's not what he wanted to say, but it was still as good of an excuse as any to take her out.

"I'd like that." She lifted her head, turning to meet his eyes with a smile growing across her cheeks.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. But instead of focusing on recovery and let's focus on something a little lighter – like _us_?"

Her expression was electric - eyes bright, smile wide.

 _Contagious._

A grin stretched across his face as his fingers gripped her waist, caressing the bare skin he managed to find beneath her shirt. She sank into his touch, a happy hum slipping from her lips. And he quickly realized he could listen to that sound forever.

"Really? I didn't – I didn't want to assume anything. I mean we talked, but…"

"You're cute when you're flustered," she murmured, her hands finding his, giving them a squeeze.

"Kate."

"I meant what I said last night, Castle. I don't want to put us on hold anymore."

So, they were really doing this. It wasn't a dream.

"So tonight?"

"I guess it's technically our first date." Her voice had a shy quality to it. Not the bite or tone that she typically would use with him at the precinct. This was more personal, _private_ , just for him. "Honestly, calling it that is kind of weird since we've been out together before."

"Maybe we don't have to label it then. It's a date, but there's no pressure or expectations, about anything."

She nodded, dotting a brief peck on his cheek.

"We're just us."

"Just us."

* * *

"No pressure," she mumbled to herself, staring at her reflection in the floor length mirror. Her hands grazed along the steep neckline of her white sundress, the gauzy material held up by the thin straps against her sun kissed skin. Her fingers tripped against the angry reddened area on her chest, causing her heart to drop.

This dress didn't hide it either. It was her last option out of the four others she had tried on. It was hopeless; they all revealed the patch of skin she longed to pretend wasn't there.

She closed her eyes at the sight, pulling a deep breath into her lungs to calm the sick feeling that clenched in her stomach.

Before the shooting she had never given much thought to her appearance, using her looks to her advantage whenever it was necessary but usually it was an afterthought.

She no longer had that luxury.

Her body was now covered with scars that were more ' _scary movie'_ than sex appeal. Unfortunately, her t-shirts and casual clothing were the only items that completely masked the discolored marks etched across her skin.

"You look beautiful."

Kate's eyes fluttered open to find Castle standing behind her in the mirror. His expression held a warmth to it – _love_. It was like he refused to see the ugliness that she couldn't help but focus on.

"I should change."

"Why? You look exquisite."

"It's nothing special, Castle. I just – the neckline…" Her voice trailed off and a lump formed in the back of her throat as she brushed her knuckles against her scar. Castle placed his hand on the bare skin of her upper arm, turning her to face him.

"The neckline is fine. The dress is fine. It's magnificent because it's you and you're here with me."

"Such a romantic," she huffed, trying to hold back her smile. He always had a way of cheering her up this summer, even on the darkest days of her recovery.

A constant beacon of light.

"It's the writer in me." His tone was slightly defensive, but she wouldn't let him doubt himself as she reached forward to squeeze his hand.

"Don't change."

"I won't, as long as you don't either," he said with a gleam in his eye.

"Clever word play, Mr. Castle."

"You sort of just walked right into it."

"Mmhmm, I guess I did."

"You ready?"

"I should –" she hesitated and took a step back to look at the mirror, but he shook his head.

"Beautiful," he said, cupping her jaw and tracing his thumb along her cheekbone. "Remember?"

"You look pretty handsome yourself, Castle."

"Let's go make the rest of Southampton jealous."

"Lead the way."

* * *

Sweet small talk.

A gourmet meal.

Breathtaking atmosphere.

She offered him a soft smile and sipped her glass of red. Pleasantly relaxed in her seat, she listened to his tale of Alexis's first time at this restaurant. He had let her order anything from the menu she had wanted. Needless to say, he had learned his lesson when his eight year old daughter spit caviar all over the unsuspecting waiter when he had asked her how she appreciated the fine quality in their choice of fish eggs.

He laughed during her retelling of a family vacation when her young stubborn sixteen year old self snuck out of the beach house they had rented for the week, only to be caught by her mother who had waited outside her bedroom window.

"It was like we were mentally linked in some way. She always knew when I was up to something."

"What about rebel Becks?" he asked, eyebrows dancing at the nickname. "How did you get away with all that teenage angst that you always alluded to?"

"I had to get creative."

"Ah, I think we would've gotten along back then." He chuckled, taking a sip of his scotch.

"I probably would've thought you were a creepy old man," she teased, arching her brow as she laughed.

"Old? Mid-twenties was hardly old," he scoffed, his lip drooping at the idea. It was cute.

He was cute.

Cute? Had her teenage self momentarily take over her thoughts? She was falling for him, quicker than she ever thought she'd allow herself to. Her walls were still there, still protecting her, but no longer meant for him.

He was on the inside now.

"You'd want Alexis hanging out with someone in their mid-twenties?"

"I see your point," he groaned, shaking his head and dramatically shivering. "It's a good thing we met when we did then. The appropriate age for me to wear you down with my ruggedly good looks."

And man did he...

It was an inevitable journey from day one. She didn't believe in destiny, but the attraction was there, almost biological. Thankfully he was persistent - focused.

Unlike when they had first –

Oh. She'd never told him and there was no way he had remembered.

"True, only that's not when we actually first met."

"It's not?" His eyes narrowed, leaning forward, forearms propping him up against the white tablecloth.

Intrigue flashed across his expression.

"Nope. We met about nine years before then…"

"You didn't –" Speechless. One thing she had never been able to accomplish. She made Richard Castle, jaw droppingly speechless.

Kate laughed with a nod. "Waited in line for an hour at the signing when _Flowers for Your Grave_ came out."

"How can I not remember this?" he whined. He was always about the story and it had to be killing him to not have every last detail of theirs.

"Castle, I was a scrawny brunette in a sea of blonde bimbos. It was easy to not remember me. Plus that was so long ago."

"I wish I could remember a young Kate Beckett." He reached for her hand, toying with her fingers between his own. She couldn't help smiling at the contrast in size between their digits; his large hand could easily engulf hers or offer support when she'd need it most.

"It was something my mom had planned on doing, but she never had the chance. So when I passed by and saw the poster in the Barnes and Nobles window, I figured what the heck."

"Please tell me I wasn't an ass?" Castle's eyes were wide, like this past encounter could possibly taint their future.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "You were very gracious. You even took a picture with me."

"There's a picture? Do you still have it?" he asked, his face lightening. Of course he'd want to see the picture, not that she blamed him.

"I do. It managed to survive when my apartment blew up. The book protected it. I'll show you when we go back to the city."

The mention of going back silenced them both; she could almost hear his heartbeat hammering in time with hers. She hadn't told him yet. There hadn't been a good time – a _right_ time.

"Speaking of the city…"

"I want to go back," she blurted out. Her lips moved before her brain could process what she was saying. She meant it, but she hadn't intended on bringing it up over dinner. Tonight was meant for soft touches and tentative kisses, not discussions of plans that could fracture the delicate foundation of their newfound relationship.

"Kate –"

Castle's cell phone interrupted him, silencing his words, left heavy on his tongue. They both stared at the device, like they were frozen in the moment. She blinked away her irritation with the call and offered him a small nod, her lips pressed in a thin smile. It wasn't his fault.

"You should get that."

He nodded, unable to look away from the source of the disturbance for far longer than necessary. There was concern etched in the worry lines near his eyes when he looked back at her.

"Kate – it's the precinct."

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks so much for reading. I appreciate all the feedback!_

 _xoxo_

 _A & E...you guys make me laugh daily. Thx for all the husks._


	9. Differences

**_._**

* * *

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 _ **Chapter Nine**_

"Are you sure about this?"

Kate could hear the reluctance in his voice, or maybe it was just the several conversations they'd already had on the subject that gave away his feelings on the matter. She was moving back to her place – alone.

It would be lying to say that he was happy about it.

"I'm sure," she said, reaching back for his hand as he dropped her last bag next to the door, closing it behind him. His chest deflated, his eyes falling to their joined fingers, squeezing.

"You know you can always stay with –"

When the decision to leave the Hamptons was finalized, he had assumed that she was coming back to the city and staying with him at the loft. But that had never been her plan. She needed to stand on her own two feet again, working on healing completely so they could move forward and have a normal relationship.

That night they had their first fight since the day before Roy was killed, before she was –

She shook her head to rid herself of the memory and offered him a soft smile. He huffed, trying to turn away, but she stopped him, reaching up to touch his face. The stretch tugged at her scar, causing her to bite back the uncomfort. Luckily the glide of her hand against the stubble on his jaw distracted him from seeing the flash of pain she was sure she couldn't hide.

But this wasn't about her scars or phantom aches and pains. Right now, she just needed to make him see that this step was a good thing.

"That's not healthy, Castle." She brushed a whisper of a kiss against his lips as her thumb swept along his cheek with a gentle caress, her lips grazing his as she spoke. "That's codependence."

He shook his head, sighing and reaching down to lift the bags he had just discarded onto the ground to bring them into her bedroom. Always the gentleman, but he was also the king of avoidance.

With a sad smile, he turned back for a moment. "I just want you to be safe."

"I know you do, but no one knows who the shooter is. They're not any closer to finding him. I can't stop living my life. I'm not going to let whoever is after me make me live in fear."

Her mind drifted to the night at the restaurant. Esposito's call had interrupted what would've been their first official date and the knowledge that the investigation had stalled had put quite a dampener on things. She had obsessed over the case and speculated over every last detail that he could offer.

The awkward tension that had fallen over the rest of the evening was her fault and that night when she had finally crawled into bed, she had made the decision that if she wanted a life - a real shot with Castle - she couldn't fall back down the rabbit hole.

There was more than her own life at stake this time, because now that they were on the tentative path toward a real relationship, she knew Castle wouldn't let her attempt the investigation alone.

"There will be other nights." Castle's voice snapped her out of her memory; he always knew where her thoughts wandered, though it wasn't like she kept much hidden from him anymore. She focused and realized in her haze they had entered her room, her overnight bags placed neatly on top of her deep purple comforter.

It was his first time in the space and she wished they were at another stage in their relationship where they'd be here together for very different reasons. She felt him walk behind her and wrap his arms around her waist and she sank back against the wall of his body. The tension in her spine eased away as she leaned her head back.

"It's fine," she breathed.

"It's not."

"Well it has to be." She shook her head, a sigh slipping free, turning in his arms to face him. "We're back now – at the precinct next week."

"And that means what, exactly?" he asked, his voice low, uncertain. "You're here and I'm there…"

"We're still us, Castle."

"I just –"

"Still us," she said, her eyes boring into his as her hands framed his face, her thumbs lightly brushing across the shadows tattooed on the delicate skin under his eyes. She could tell he hadn't been sleeping enough, not since she told him her decision to move back to her apartment. He was afraid for her. It was obvious, but he needed to let her stand on her own two feet again.

"Doesn't mean I'm not allowed to worry about you." He offered her a sad smile and she flashed a hopeful one in return before resting her cheek against his shoulder as she laced her arms around him.

Her lips dusted across the soft cotton of his shirt, her voice mumbling, "I'd be offended if you didn't."

* * *

He hated it.

The click of the door shutting behind him was deafening in the nearly silent hallway, all his worry and fear emphasizing the usual muted sound. He loved her and she'd almost died - almost died at the hands of someone who was still out there in the city. Worse yet, was the fact that no one knew if the shooter was still looking to finish the job.

She was a sitting duck and he was helpless on the sidelines.

He wouldn't sleep tonight, that much was guaranteed. When they were in the Hamptons at least they had been under the same roof, and he had felt - perhaps a false - sense of security with that. Who was he? He hadn't stopped the sniper the first time and he hadn't had any additional training since that day.

Vivid green.

Bright blue.

Heartbreaking red.

The shades of color were imprinted in his memories and he wished with all of his heart that he could wash it all away. He wanted to clear it from his thoughts, _from his mind_ , but more than that, he wished he could have prevented it all.

His trip home was a daze, each turn practically on autopilot, the cars and crowds in the streets faded into the background. With a sigh, he scrubbed his hands down the tired lines on his face before pushing the base of his palms into his eye sockets, long enough that his vision blurred.

It had been a long day and he couldn't wait for it to be over. All he wanted to do was sink into the leather chair in his office with a tumbler of scotch. Maybe that would relax his mind.

Trudging through the front door of the loft, he was met with a flash of red hair and he was nearly knocked over when she threw her arms around his neck.

"Dad, you're home!"

He painted on his best smile and squeezed her tighter. "I'm home. I missed you. An entire summer is far too long."

It had been a long summer without her, but she was growing up and she had her own plans, which was honestly for the best. She had been out of the crosshairs of whoever was potentially still after Beckett; at least one of the women he loved was safe.

"Well, college starts next year so I'll be away a lot longer, especially if I go to Oxford," she said, looking up at him, her pale blue eyes shining with innocence from beneath her eyelashes. Alexis eased out from his arms, walking toward the kitchen.

Oh, this conversation was _not_ over.

"Oxford?" he squeaked. "What- what's wrong with Princeton or Columbia? Someplace _closer_ , preferably in the same country."

Why did all the women he cared about most want to be far away from him?

"I haven't made any decisions yet, but why should I limit my education based on geographical confines?"

"And leave me alone?" He knew she was growing up and she needed her independence, but he wasn't ready to let her go this soon.

"You won't be alone, Dad. After this summer, sounds like you'll have Detective Beckett, I'm sure." She quirked an eyebrow at him and gave him a knowing smile. "Speaking of, where is she?"

"Her apartment," he mumbled, quickly trying to recover his pout. He wasn't happy about being apart from Beckett, yet his daughter didn't need to be involved with his pity party.

Eventually he'd have to accept Beckett's decision. He had to be happy with whatever part of her life she allowed him to be a part of.

"Maybe it's for the best?" Alexis asked, opening the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water.

"Yeah – maybe."

"Doesn't mean she's gone forever. Honestly, I'm surprised she's not already my new ' _stepmom'_ given your track record." She smirked at him, forming air quotes as she spoke.

He narrowed his eyes at the gesture and forced a laugh.

"Very funny," he grumbled, sitting down at the kitchen counter. "If you thought that, you grossly underestimate how stubborn Kate is."

"I was kidding, Dad." She sat down next to him, nudging his ribs with her elbow. "Lighten up. It's really going to be okay."

Castle offered her a smile and planted a kiss on her forehead before sliding off of his seat and sulking back to his office. He wanted that scotch. or maybe he could write to clear his head.

At least he could try to make his characters make sense.

* * *

Kate glanced at the door again - deadbolt was still firmly flipped. She knew she'd locked it, but her mind was messing with her, normal creaks and noises were sending chills down her spine.

Damn it, she was losing it.

Smoothing her hands down her thighs, she sighed while her fingers clawed down the fabric of her yoga pants.

"The door's locked," she whispered to herself, a mantra to calm her mind. The serenity was short lived as a loud creak left her scrambling to the floor, whipping her head toward the sound.

Pipes.

Old, rickety pipes.

No one was here. No one knew she was back in the city.

They couldn't find her yet, not now.

Her breath huffed from her lips and her heart hammered against her chest, the thud so hard she swore she could hear the blood racing through her veins. A couple car horns could be heard from street level, causing her to jump, her body on high alert. The city was louder than she remembered, more chaotic, yet she felt claustrophobic.

Was it always this loud?

 _Yes_ , of course. It was New York City. The city was alive, always its own character with a million untold stories. That had always been the main thing that drew her to it for so long. The city was rarely quiet.

She shook her head, flattening her palms against the hardwood floor before pushing herself off of the ground. Enough was enough. She needed to get herself together. This was her apartment, she was home – she was _safe_.

Safe.

 _You'll never be safe_ , her subconscious reminded as her body hunched over, hands fisting against her t-shirt. The phantom ache from her scars punctuated her fears.

It was true. They were going to find her, she wasn't safe.

She couldn't do this. Not without him. Clenching her eyes shut, she pulled a long drag of air into her lungs, filling her chest.

She had thought this was what she wanted.

Had told him this was what she needed.

She was wrong.

Kate had teased Castle about being overprotective and told him that he was being dramatic. But she was wrong. It had nothing to do with dramatics. She loved him and he made her feel whole again.

This was so new to her, needing someone, admitting weakness.

When she was little, she had refused to have a nightlight, had refused to be scared of the dark or anything else that would make her seem weak, even at eight years old. And now? She was in her thirties and she couldn't handle a couple hours alone in her own apartment.

The place was clear; she had searched it herself with her pistol in hand, every room covered in light.

It wasn't enough.

It didn't matter.

She needed him.

Missing him wasn't a weakness. Loving him gave her strength.

She pulled her phone from her pocket, desperately needing to hear his voice, but as her fingers hovered over his contact she changed her mind, shoving the cell back into her jeans, reaching for her keys instead.

His voice wasn't enough. She needed him - _all_ of him.

* * *

 _ **tbc**_

 _Thanks for reading everyone! I'm excited to hear from you. Hope you're still with me._

 _xoxo_

 _Alex, Esther and Jo - honestly you guys are wonderful._


	10. Stronger Together

_Surprise! I'm still writing! Hope you're still with me :)_

 ** _._**

* * *

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 ** _Chapter Ten_**

His blank word document was mocking him, the cursor blinking in hypnotic beats to steal all his concentration from the latest dilemma for Nikki and Rook. Castle tried to focus, tried to clear his mind from worry about a certain brunette detective across town, but every word, every inanimate object in his office somehow reminded him of her.

That was the crux of the issue.

Thinking of her was making him crazy.

The thought of Beckett, _alone_ , caused his heart to race and his chest to constrict. It was ridiculous. She was the one that had the bullet rip through her chest earlier in the summer, _not him_ , yet here he was, an erratic mess. Completely and utterly useless.

He understood why she was there and he was here, but only to a point.

Kate needed to stand on her own two feet, needed to take her life back with some degree of normalcy, but they were _something_ in the Hamptons. Every step of the way, he had her back and now -

What if the shooter found her and she was in trouble?

What if she was hurting and he wasn't there?

What if -

A soft knock pulled him from his thoughts, the noise barely discernible amongst the panic going through his mind. He spun toward the door, he wasn't expecting anyone and Alexis had already left for the night.

Trepidation filled every step as he walked toward the door, he couldn't help but think of every worst case scenario in his head. God, he was being dramatic. The doorman wouldn't have just let anyone up here without his knowledge. That could only mean -

He opened the door to find her standing in the hallway, completely intact and seemingly nervous, almost rocking back and forth on her heels. "Kate. What are you -?" he whispered his question before the words trailed off, leaving him completely tongue tied. Her eyes remained glued to the floor and silence hung in the air, before Kate looked up at him with a smile.

"I love you, Rick."

Everything froze around him, the only movement was the rapid beating of his heart. Her confidence seemed to grow from his shock as she moved forward.

He'd suspected it this summer, even dreamed about it, but hearing her say the words out loud took his breath away. It was far better than any assumption or subtext. She loved him and she came all the way to his place, despite the danger still present in their lives, just to tell him how she felt.

Kate slid through the open door, squeezing past him as he stood frozen in place for far longer than he should have. She cleared her throat, snapping him out of his daze and he finally moved to shut the door. When he turned however, he found Kate standing closer than expected.

Castle offered her a hesitant smile, before his mind caught up with the fluttering in his chest and his mouth grazed against hers. "You love me." The word fell from his lips in a gasp that painted her skin. She tried to pull back slightly, but he wasn't letting her go just yet. With a laugh, she offered him a small nod that pressed her forehead onto his.

"I do," she said, reaching forward and lacing her fingers with his. "And I was thinking that I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to tell you."

"Nothing like seizing the day," he said, his smile stretching wider than before as he pulled her closer into his body.

* * *

This was terrifying, but safe.

Her mind was swirling through one contradiction to the next as she wrapped her arms tighter around his torso. The idea of taking that next step with Castle, baring her heart, being so open and honest when she still felt so broken was scarier than she could imagine. Yet once she looked up into his eyes and saw the way they sparkled from her confession, it made her feel whole. He did that, had a way of piecing all the broken shards of her life back together into something that made sense again. She couldn't push him away, not when she so desperately needed him close.

"I don't want to sound ungrateful to have you in my arms professing your love for me…"

She couldn't help the groan that slipped from her lips at his statement. "When you say it like that…"

"Hush. It's a good thing," he hummed, lips brushing against the crown of her head. It all felt domestic, which was a weird thought after spending the entire summer with the man. "As I was saying, I'm not going to complain, but what made you decide to come here tonight?"

She pulled back from the warmth of his body, trying her best to concentrate on what she came to tell him. No distractions even though the idea of all the ways he could distract her were all so tempting.

"I missed you. As much as it completely kills me to say, you were right about things." Kate tucked her chin to her chest for a moment, the words she wanted to say frozen on her lips for a second. She took a breath and lifted eyes, continuing her explanation with almost a whisper. "I had myself convinced that this was for the best, that going back to my apartment _alone_ was necessary to prove to everyone that I was okay. But it turns out, I'm not okay, Castle."

"Kate…"

"No, let me finish." She shook her head, reaching up to gently card her fingers through the few unruly strands of his hair that rested against his forehead. "I was shot. I almost died and it's only been a couple months. I try to pretend that I can hold the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I can't, at least not now, not by myself. Then you- you made the weight lighter this summer, Castle, and I don't want to pretend anymore, at least not with you."

"I don't want you to pretend with me."

"I know. Because beneath the overgrown two year old that you can be from time to time -" His face fell momentarily in mock offense before she leaned forward and brush a soft kiss against his lips. "You're an amazing man and my best friend and I'm lucky enough that you love me. You make me stronger. Stronger than I ever was before I was shot... and I know I'm rambling and not making a ton of sense…"

"You're perfect," Castle said, lightly chuckling.

"What I'm trying to say is...I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm in this - with you." He cupped her jaw in his palm and brought her lips up to his, this time, the kiss was anything but soft. Her heart hammered against her ribs as his mouth worked over hers, desperate and longing. She broke away on a gasp. "I love you."

She rested her forehead against his, breath mingling. Castle eyes lit up and a smile stretched across his face. He looked like he was in awe, almost like he never believed that they would end up in this place. "I love you, too. So much, Kate."

Her eyebrow quirked and she giggled, low and seductive. "Oh yeah? Then show me…"

"Show you?" he asked, nearly choking. "Wait, you mean?"

"Didn't think I'd have to spell it out for you, Castle. You're really killing your playboy image here," she teased, nipping at his ear.

"Evil," he growled, pulling her tighter against the wall of his body, lips crushing against hers. "Prepare to have your world rocked."

"Cut the cheesy lines or you'll ruin the mood," she hummed, scraping her teeth playfully on his jaw. "Take me to bed, Castle…"

 ** _Tbc_**

* * *

 _Thanks so much for reading! There should be one more chapter left in this one._

 _Special thanks to my beta lovelies for reading and encouraging me to keep writing._

 _xoxo_


	11. Epilogue

_Author's note at the end._

 ** _._**

* * *

 ** _What You Wanted_**

* * *

" _What may be broken to you is beautiful to me." 4x01 AU: Sometimes you don't have to runaway to find what was meant to be…_

* * *

 ** _Epilogue_**

Blood rushed through her veins so hard that she could barely concentrate, her heart beating violently against her chest.

"Take it easy, Kate."

Castle's steady voice sliced through the rioting panic inside her head, calming her frayed nerves. She could do this. Breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth. Repeating the mantra in her head, she steadied herself as a bead of sweat ran down her neck. Her hands shook, knees quaking.

"You can do this. You've got this."

The words washed over her doubt, giving her strength. His support was everything to her, reassurance by her side. Her partner every step of the way through every second of her journey that had brought her to this moment. He was so encouraging, so sure of her, but she was terrified. Any confidence vanished in this moment and she didn't know if she could truly pull this off…

She was not ready for this.

 _It was too soon._

God, she couldn't do this. She wasn't strong enough.

"Breathe, Kate. You have to remember to breathe."

Blinking back the tears, she pulled together every last ounce of strength in her body. With a breath, Kate quieted all the noise, all the doubt and gave one final push. The silence was quickly replaced by the piercing scream of their newborn daughter.

After everything in her life, she finally made it to this moment.

Alive.

With the man she loved.

Kate looked down towards the sound of her daughter's cries to find Castle teary eyed himself as he cut the umbilical cord.

"You did it, Kate. She's beautiful -" His voice cracked for a moment, watching their newborn being swaddled by the nurses, before meeting her eyes again. "She's perfect."

* * *

She was finally here.

Kate marveled at the sleeping baby in her arms and it almost seemed like a dream. She smiled, unable to take her eyes off of her, noting and memorizing all her features, not wanting to miss a moment. If it was possible, she was head over heals in love already.

Tiny fingers poked out from beneath the soft, pink blanket that Castle had wrapped their screaming daughter in after she had been cleaned up and checked out by the doctor and nurses. The blanket had once belonged to Kate when she was little and her dad had insisted that she should bring it with her to the hospital. He had known best, of course, because swaddling her daughter in the knit blanket that her mother had once wrapped her in, _it felt right_. Like even though her mom would never get to meet the newest addition, she was there with them in a small way.

It gave Kate a sense of peace that she hadn't realized she needed.

The last few years had been a complete blur, through her recovery back to normalcy with the addition of her relationship with Castle. Nothing about it was easy, but having Castle at her side made even the worst days bearable. She had felt that her life would never be normal again after being shot at Montgomery's funeral and in a way she had been right.

That normal was gone.

Her loneliness and all-consuming drive to solve her mother's case had been replaced with the desire to live her life on her terms. Castle helped, but it wasn't just him, it was a change in herself. Almost dying had a way of awakening a part of herself that had been buried after her mother's murder.

She lived for the day, never taking a minute for granted. With each step, whether it was career changes or promotion to Captain or marrying Castle or finding out she was pregnant, it had all been a gift, this second chance at life.

Watching the sleeping newborn nuzzled against her body, she felt overwhelming warmth in her chest. Never in her entire life had she loved something so fiercely as in this moment.

"Lily."

Castle's voice was equal parts awe and worship. His smile had not faded a moment since their daughter's arrival this morning and it made Kate fall in love with him even more - more than she could ever imagine.

"Beautiful name for a beautiful girl," he added, easing himself onto the hospital bed next to Kate and brushing his fingertips gently through the baby's hair.

"Agree. It's fitting for her. Can't believe it took us that long to agree on a name," she said, leaning her head against his shoulder with a sleepy sigh. The weight of the day was wearing on her and she should be napping while Lily slept, but she couldn't allow herself to close her eyes just yet. She barely wanted to blink in fear that she'd find it was all a dream.

"I can - you're incredibly stubborn." He smeared a kiss to the top of her head with a laugh and she offered him a playful scoff.

"Yeah, I'm the stubborn one. _Cosmo_ …" Kate twisted up to roll her eyes at him.

"Perfectly acceptable for a girl's name." he defended, halfheartedly. "Lily is definitely better."

"Much," she murmured, gazing back at her daughter as she opened up her tiny mouth to release the softest yawn. "Can you believe we ended up here?"

"No." The single syllable held the same disbelief and wonder that she felt. He pulled her closer against his body. "I hoped for it, dreamed that it could be possible, but the reality of our life together is far better than anything I could ever imagine."

"Hopeless romantic," she smirked, nudging her cheek against his chest, feeling a blush crawl up her skin.

"Maybe, but who wouldn't be, staring at these two beautiful girls?" He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, in a way that he had done a million times before. Yet, it felt different this time, like _more_ , while they were cuddled with their daughter in her arms. An overwhelming sense of love and family eased over her, she felt happy and couldn't stop a couple stray tears from rolling down her cheeks.

Stupid hormones.

"I love you." She breathed the words, trying to keep her voice from cracking.

"I love you, too," he said, a smile stretching across his lips when she turned to meet his eyes. "It's only the beginning, Kate. We have a long life together ahead of us."

"Good," she sighed. "Because I'm not done with you just yet."

 _ **The End**_

* * *

 _Thank you so so much for reading and embracing this story._

 _Your love and feedback mean the world to me!_

 _Thanks to Alex and Esther and Laura for helping throughout this story._

.

 _I wanted to get this chapter completed as soon as I could so I could post it as a thank you for everyone that has supported my daughter's gofundme campaign. For some of you that know me personally, it's been a rough couple of years and I'm trying to do everything I can to support my kids and keep us moving. Writing has helped keep my spirits up and your love for the stories I create has kept me going. I plan to finish up all my incomplete stories as well as hope to post more - as long as the interest in these characters is still alive._

 _So thank you for being wonderful. I love you all. And if anyone has a spare dollar to support my daughter's campaign or can help spread the word, you can check it out on my twitter account (jstar1382) or send me a message._

 _Til next time!_

 _xoxo_


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